1 Year Survivor - Life's Perspective a year later - 12/16/16

Here we are - exactly 1 year later since my Breast Cancer Diagnosis.  If I am honest with myself, I honestly didn't think I'd still be here.  But thanks to current medical technological advances, I am here 1 year later alive and living to tell me story!

Once you have been given a cancer diagnosis, life as you know it comes to a complete halt.  You truly see your life flash right in front of your eyes.  For me, it was a like someone just stuck a knife in my heart and twisted it inside me.  I remember, that exact moment - 1 year ago today!.  As I dropped to my knees, I had instant flashbacks of my life from as far back as I could remember thru that exact point in time.  It was like a movie playback of my life.  I remembered all my childhood adventures, remembered both the happy and sad moments in my life, relived graduating high school, college, graduate school, my career aspirations, my wedding day, the purchase of our dream home, the birth of my daughters, the hopes and dreams that I envisioned for my life both as a single person, a married person and as a mom, all the plans I had in store for the future and of course, accepting the recent passing of my father which I never really had a chance to deal with as my diagnosis came a month later.


How would this all work? How would this diagnosis change my life and my family's life?  Would I be able to handle the treatments?  Would I survive the surgeries?  What if I don't make it thru?  Would I die?  If I survive, would I be the same person physically, mentally & emotionally?  Would I ultimately get to the point of being considered a cancer survivor and if so, for how long?  How would I continue on with my life? The thoughts never stopped and still haven't.


I can tell you, everything DID change and in ways I never imagined they would.  When I look back to this past year, I sit back, still is disbelief at times when I think about all that has actually transpired.  At times, I have a hard time comprehending all that I've been thru.  At times, it doesn't feel real.  Did my father really pass away and did I really just go thru cancer treatment that's still ongoing?  Then the reality hits me, YES, YES, YES!  Irene, this all DID happen!  You have been thru hell and back physically, mentally & emotionally, but you are still here alive and able to talk about it.

Physically - I can say, hands downs, there were various parts of my treatment that took me to the deepest, darkest and most unimaginable places.  When I look back, I don't know how I got thru some of the physical parts of treatment other than the reality of, "I had to", what other choice was there? I somehow managed to find balance, perspective & strength.  On my hardest days, a glimmer of hope would appear when I least expected it from looking outside, seeing the sun rise by my window, to receiving a thoughtful gift or card or opening a "thinking of you" email to seeing my daughters smiling faces and my husband trying to make me laugh.  It was the little things that gave me strength and courage to go on when I didn't think I could endure another moment.  To say the rollercoaster was intense is an understatement!  The physical transformation has been beyond incredible to go thru.  When I look back to pictures, I am just absolutely amazed how a person can transform so much in 1 year.  The transformation is just absolutely mid blowing to me and hard to process at times as it is still on going.

Mentally & Emotionally - there is no specific program for learning how to cope emotionally or how to heal the internal wounds of the loss of a parent let alone, being diagnosed with cancer.  There is no regimen that can be prescribed with a 100% guarantee that taken twice daily, everything will be better.  Treatment is a long, circuitous, meandering, pot-holed process.  In the last year, my body, mind and spirit were mangled by loss, disease, surgeries and chemicals.  Recovery and getting on with life has taken and continues to take time and patience.  It cannot be rushed or forced.  The more you push, the longer it takes.  I thought once all the major surgeries and treatments were completed, I'd be able to go right back to my "what was pre-cancer life".  The reality... it's not how it works!  Nothing is the same, everything is different.  I am FOREVER CHANGED by the loss of my father, breast cancer and all that came with it.  I was NOT able to resume life as it was before.  I have to "re-build" my strength and overall, my entire life.  I constantly have to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep getting on that treadmill of life - it is a real struggle that I didn't foresee.  Things may not be exactly how I'd like things to be and I am not where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, but again, what choice is there?  Crumble?   Hell NO!!  I get back up, every day and take another step forward not always with the smile, but I try.


I try to be kind to myself, give myself some slack and accept the fact that I just do things now a little more slowly.... at least for the time being or until I can get my strength and new groove in motion.  This new groove HAS to involve exercise, a somewhat vegan diet with many more greens and the elimination of stress and toxic situations, people & environments in not only my life, but in my family's life in general.  A lot of reflection has taken place on those ends. Not into drama, never was, never will be.


It's during the different stages of Recovery that I've had the realization that I was now officially a lifetime member of a club that I never applied or ever wanted to join.  What I have found in this club however, is that it is a membership of some of the most incredibly brave, strong and inspiring members from all walks of life.  Without these beautiful souls who have walked a similar yet different journey, I would not have gotten thru some extremely difficult days.  They understood in ways others who haven't walked this path couldn't.  It's a sisterhood.


Speaking of getting thru difficult days... I could not have gotten thru any of this with out my husband, who never imagined seeing his wife sick the way I was.  He's an angel, really!  I cried more than I ever have in his arms, he's been my rock the entire time!  My two beautiful girls - took care of each other at times that I couldn't take care of them in addition to turning around and taking care of me.  No kid their age should have to do that, but they did and still managed to be in honors, excel in school, sports, the arts and be kind and humble.  They are 2 of the strongest kids I know and my wish for them is healthy and peace in their hearts.  The many friends, neighbors & co workers that went above and beyond being generous in so many unbelievable ways, I don't have enough words to express our gratitude.  My family and I would not have gotten thru the worst of  it without you, especially, Shelly K, Andrea M, Patti B, Jen M, my Fidelity Team, Scott's Crabtree & Evelyn Team, Fr. Alex and my amazing Medical Team.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


The hardest part of moving forward is the reality of my prognosis.  Recurrence is a scary thing and the emotional part of knowing your numbers is tough.  We all know that one day we are going to die, but when you have cancer, your mortality is starring you in the face daily.  There is a lot of soul searching and acceptance of self that comes with that.  As my doctors have said, "Irene, you have had the most advanced treatment out there, medically, we have done everything that can be done.  You can help yourself thru diet and exercise, but no one can control the biology of cancer.  So, live your life everyday, get stronger, stay positive and forget the numbers".


So, I've decided no more Should Have, Could Have, Would Have!  Instead, do all the things you want to do and do them NOW!  There is never going to be the "perfect time" to do things, so waiting around for that perfect time is quite frankly, pointless.  Do the things you want to do now, cherish your friends & family, be kind to people, pay it forward, do stop and smell the roses that you would normally walk past, don't sweat the small stuff, pray, love, breath, enjoy life everyday and live, LIVE LIFE!


I hope that in some small way my experience and my choice to document / share / communicate my personal journey has been of some help to others and maybe, just a little bit inspirational to some.  My experience has taught me many things and I walk away with daily gratitude for life!  There is going to be life indeed - a beautiful, gratitude filled life AFTER breast cancer - one day, one step at a time.

12/8/16 Breast MRI

As I get familiar and comfortable with these new breasts, I am still figuring out what is "feels" normal and what doesn't.  The past few weeks, I've noticed a lumpy feeling on my right side along with pain.  Talk about getting sick to your stomach - ugh - I can't even imagine.  I brought it to my Dr's attention.  She did an exam and felt the same thing I did.   So much has happened to my right side that it could just be scar tissue that has built up and is causing pain, but the only way to know as my Dr. said is to do a Breast MRI.  So, here we go again!  I swear - I don't have the stomach for this anymore.  I can't allow my mind to go down the road of something being wrong after this past year.  In my gut, I feel like something is wrong, but in my mind, having gone thru everything between surgery, reconstruction, chemo and radiation, I can't imagine that the cancer would come back, but you just never know - happens all the time.  What if I am one of those people? 

Breast MRI is scheduled for Dec 8th, 2016.  I want to throw up!  Here we go again. 

Went for MRI, had a tough time finishing it - I got claustrophobic - 2nd time it's happened to me.  Now we wait for results - this is the WORST part - the waiting!!!!!

MRI Results........ Negative!!!!  OMG!!!!  You have no idea, no idea how relieved I am.  This is the BEST Christmas gift EVER!!!!!  I can breathe again!

Proud of my Girls - Girl Scout Silver Award Recognition

As a mother, there is nothing that brings more joy to me than to see my girls living life, doing well, building beautiful friendships, finding their passions and growing up to be good people.  One can only hope that what you do as a parent, will hopefully inspire your children and that they too, one day, can go on, as they say in Girl Scouts, "Make the World a Better Place".  I couldn't be prouder as a mother and also as a Girl Scout Leader for seeing my daughter be recognized for earning her Girl Scout Silver Award - the highest honor a Cadette Girl Scout can achieve!  Her project was beyond near and dear to our hearts as it is a personal project that she embarked on and completed, "A Teens Perspective, Living with a Parent with Cancer" .  She was Honored as the Women of Distinction Awards Ceremony on Nov 13th, 2016.  Below is also an article about her project that was printed in the Amherst Citizen:

 https://issuu.com/amherstcitizen/docs/v25-n03_november_2016/10

 

Follow Up Appointments & Brain MRI

Since radiation ended and Herceptin & Arimidex began, I've had several follow up appointments. 

On 9/23/16 I returned to Dr. Ehrichman (my plastic surgeon) so that he can see how "the new girls" are doing and if radiation has affected them at all.  I always feel so good seeing him, he always greets me with a big gianormous hug, it's good for the self esteem (LOL).  We talked about where I am now in treatment and how I've been.  After he evaluated me - he was extremely happy with how my right breast looked after radiation.  Even though my skin has been damaged & the implant has become stiffer than the left breast, he was encouraged with where I was and how my chest looked.  I had many, many questions for him (as usual).  We discussed if we will make any adjustments to the left breast to even it out to the right since radiation altered the look and feel of it.  We also discussed finishing the girls off, meaning getting the nipples on!  Yes, that's right, with surgery & radiation, first the skin has to heal before we can complete the appearance of them.  That will be the last part to complete.  He still doesn't think we are ready for that as we need to give the skin another 4 months to heal before we can make those decisions, but it was a good and funny conversation to say the least! 

I also had a follow up with Dr. Zhou (my radiation oncologist) on 10/12/16. I was fortunate that my skin didn't get damaged until of course, the very last week of radiation.  Despite that, Dr. Zhou, was happy with how my skin and chest looked.  The radiation did make my right breast area stiffer so she did recommend that I make sure to continue with the arm exercises to maintain my range of motion.  She wants to see me again in 6 months!


Every 3 weeks when I go for my Herceptin treatment, I see Dr. Browne (my oncologist).  We reviewed where I am, discussed the joint pain that hasn't changed since July, the results from the rheumatologist and also she evaluated me.  Because the results from the Rheumatologist didn't give any signs as to why I am having this intense joint pain, she recommended that I now reach out to my primary doctor and request for a second opinion from another rheumatologist AND to test out taking Aleve to see if it would break the pain cycle.  I did reach out to my primary and she suggested that I try taking a steroid.  I took Dexamethasone for 3 days and it did make the joint pain go away a bit.  Based on those results, she wanted to me to also take Prednisone to see if that would also make the pain go away completely.  Honestly, I was hesitant to take it and haven't yet.  The pain has since come back and now I'm re-thinking trying it out.  I just don't want to take pills for pain.  I want to understand "WHAT" is causing the pain - then, I will commit to taking anything for it.  I understand it's about quality of life because the pain is so intense, but man, I just really dislike taking any more meds than I already have to - UGH!  I'm still debating if I should give in to it - or just continue to struggle with the pain?  Mind over matter is what I keep telling myself.  I've also been getting some bad, consistent headaches, which is unusual for me.  I brought this up to Dr. Browne and she wants me to go get an Brain MRI to be sure there is nothing going on.  Scary stuff.  I can't even imagine!  I'm happy that she is proactive - I go on 11/12/16 for the brain MRI.  Now, because I had a allergic reaction to the contrast dye that your have to take for the MRI a while back, I have to take other meds to prevent another allergic reaction.  So much for not taking any additional med, huh?  Gosh - will this ever end?  I feel like every day, something new presents itself.  I'm so aware of what "used to be normal" for me before the "Big C", but since, I'm still figuring out what is normal now.  I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I find myself being so conscience of my body and how I feel and how things feel and what feels ok versus not, but honestly, I'm not quite sure what is normal or not these days.  It's really frustrating!  I just want to feel normal, I want to feel good, I want to drop these 30 plus pounds that don't want to come off my body and I want to feel healthy again.  There's days I feel awesome and then there's days I feel like I'll never really feel truly normal again.  I try NOT to complain because at the end of the day, I'm alive and I'm here and that's EVERYTHING!  But, when you are in constant daily pain, it just sucks!  Ok, rant over.... off to the brain MRI I go - wish me luck!


Brain MRI Results - Negative for anything abnormal!!!  I can breathe!!!

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 10/30/16

On Sunday, October 30th, 2016, Team Alton participated in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk in Nashua, NH at Greeley Park.  Words cannot express my gratitude for everyone who has supported Team Alton in this past year in numerous ways.  Many thanks to everyone who donated and walked with Team Alton.  We were recognized as a Top Earning Team, raising over $4,000 towards future research for breast cancer.  My heart is beyond warm.

 

Let there be Hair!!!!!!

Is that hair I see - YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!  OMG, I can't even begin to explain how exciting this is to see hair growing back!  One always fears that it might NOT grow back.  I am so happy to say that it is!!!  Today is an amazing day!!!

9/19/16 Continuation of Treatment - Herceptin & Arimidex - where we go from here.....

Everyone keeps saying "you're done, now you can move on".  I chuckle and think to myself.....if only it was that simple.  Sadly, me being "Done", couldn't be further from the truth!   I'm NOT done, far from it actually. 

Although, I've completed the "major" parts of my treatment, I still have to go for Herceptin treatment thru the chest port (oh that damn chest port) every 3 weeks until what looks like March of 2017 and I'll be on a drug called Arimidex for the next 10 years of my life, not to mention a few more surgeries on the horizon within the next year, I'd say I still have a long way to go, but as always, hopeful and full of gratitude!! 

Herceptin is nothing new for me as I had begun with that from the very start with the beginning chemo back in January 2016.  Because I am HER2+, it is a targeted treatment that helps reduce estrogen production which causes certain breast cancers. 

Arimidex is an Aromatase Inhibitor which also reduces estrogen production.  People that are Post Menopausal tend to go on this drug.  I am beginning this today 9/19/16 and will be on it, assuming I can tolerate it, for the next 10 years of my life.  The lovely side effects that go along with Arimidex are - hot flashes, joint & muscles pain, bone loss, hair thinning among many others - sounds fun right?  If my joint pain gets any worse, I worry that I might not be able to walk, it's that bad!  Time will tell and I'm hopeful that I can tolerate the drug and not have any major side effects.

9/19/16 Rheumotologist - Oh the Joint Pain!

Beginning mid July, I started having some joint pain, mainly in the ankles.  I didn't think much of it because when we went on vacation we did ALOT of walking, so I thought it was just that.  However, since then, the joint pain that began in my ankles has moved up to my knees, my hips, my shoulders, my elbows, my wrists, my hand knuckles all the way full circle to my toes!  I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but this is unreal!  It's excruciating!!!  Its painful to walk and my hand and feet are swollen.  I can't even wear my wedding rings and half my shoes don't fit.  I mentioned it to my obgyn oncologist at my follow up appointment from my hysterectomy & oophorectomy surgery and also to my regular oncologist and they both agreed that these are not normal side effects from treatment or the recent surgery.  All the potential reasons of why I would have joint pain are not issues for me and they cannot figure out WHY I am having the severe pain.  Meanwhile, I am at the point in my treatment where Dr. Browne wants me to start Arimidex, which is the medication I will be on for the next 10 years.  It's an estrogen blocker which I will need to take to prevent recurrence, but one of the side effects of this drug is that it does cause joint pain.  Both oncologists suggested I go see a rheumatologist to see if there was something else going on that is causing the pain through every major joint area within my body.  Because of this, they want me to hold off on starting Arimidex until I see the rheumatologist to not alter any tests they might have me go thru.


On 9/19/16, I went to see Dr. John Gorman, he reviewed my case and he did an evaluation.  He also suggested that I get a full blood work up with some very specific tests to see if there is any issues.  Got all the tests done today.  The results came back reflecting that I have a Positive ANA which is an indicator of Lupus, however, all other variables that would indicate Lupus, are negative.  I also had elevated levels of inflammation.  The end result is that nothing they saw on the blood testing indicates why I am having the joint pain or what can be potentially causing it from that perspective.  Back to square one with the pain.   I hope this isn't going to be the "new normal" because I must say, my whole body HURTS constantly!!!

9/2/16 End of Radiation

I've been looking forward to this day ALMOST as much as I did to the end of chemo, almost!  Today completes my Radiation treatment - whaaahoooo!!!! Six weeks (28 sessions) of radiation is done!  Overall, I've held up pretty good considering all things!  The side effects are cumulative and I was doing great until the last week.  That's when the side effects kicked in for me.  I never really had any additional fatigue, but the skin changes appeared despite my treating my skin with Aquaphor and Eucerin.  My right chest wall is what was radiated directly.  When I look at my right chest side, it now looks like a have a REALLY dark brown/red tan/burn.  It really hurts.  Apparently, it may get worse before it gets better as the effects are cumulative.  Doctors orders were to continue with the lotions and if it becomes blistery, skin breaks or bleeds to contact them immediately.  I thought I got lucky with no effects, but not a chance!  I'll take the skin changes because it represents another phase DONE!  I even received a Radiation Completed DIPLOMA!  As proud I am of my MBA, this diploma means more than words can express!  It's a LIFE SAVING diploma!





2nd Opinion - Peace of Mind

For those that know me very well, they know that I am relentless for information and facts.  As much as I have been happy with my medical team - they have been phenomenal, I had this feeling in my gut that keeps pushing me to get another opinion as a check to my overall treatment since surgery.  I have this unsettled feeling that perhaps there is MORE that can be done, anything, something more to decrease my chances of recurrence.  I needed to either hear all the same information from someone else with a new set of eyes or something completely different with some other possible options.  In my past, my gut has NEVER led me in the wrong direction, only when I haven't listened to it.  So, with that, we decided that we needed to seek out that other opinion. 

On 8/1/16, I finally got in to see Dr. Steve  Isakoff from Mass General.  He had all my records, had reviewed all my charts etc and we had a wonderful conversation about my treatment and prognosis.  He concurred with all that I had done so far and the plan for the future.  I did not qualify for any clinical trials at this time but we discussed possible future ones.  We also discussed all the things "I can do" going forward for myself to help myself beyond all the treatment and surgeries.  I walked away from our meeting, feeling PEACE OF MIND and for that, I am beyond grateful!

7/25/16 Phase 6 - Radiation Begins

We are in the last major phase of treatment - Radiation!  Today, 7/25/16 we begin 6 weeks of radiation treatment.  I'll be going to the Radiation Center here in Nashua, NH which is great because it's close by, especially since I have to go EVERYDAY - Monday - Friday.

Part of getting treatment started involves getting "marked" in the location of where radiation will be administered, by doing this it helps them line me up properly to ensure the radiation is targeted to ONLY the area they are radiating.  They had to "mark" me with 4 tiny tattoos, you can barely see them as they look like tiny little dots.

Why does my overall treatment involve radiation?  Well, the advantage in doing radiation decreases my local breast recurrence by 70% and provides a 17% better prognosis.  Based on all the treatment I've done so far, this is a continuation of the advanced treatment I've received to help kill off any potential cancerous cells remaining and reduced the chances of future recurrence.

And it begins... 6 weeks, everyday (M-F) of this.  There are lots of side effects with radiation but the most common are fatigue and skin issues.  In my case, since I have implants, there is a concern that the right side implant may get affected (get hard or shrink).  I knew that going in, but the alternative was to do expanders first and my doctors advised me NOT to go that route and to do reconstruction during the original surgery as it is harder to reconstruct radiated skin.  After much research, I agreed. So, we will see how it goes.  Treating the skin cracks me up as they suggested to use "Aquaphor".  This is the same stuff I used on my girls when they were babies to heal their bottoms if they had diaper rash.  Who would have thought that it's used to treat skin that is radiated?  Amazing!  Keeping my fingers crossed and hopeful that all will go well.  As I've said many times before, "One Day At A time". 

 

 

Another Lump - Ultrasound!!

I'm still trying to figure out what feels normal with these new boobs!  As each week passes, I'm getting more and more comfortable with them.  However, I started to feel a little lump on my right side.  ARE YOU SERIOUS????  I'm freaking out a bit! 

I saw my oncologist and she felt it too.  She said it doesn't feel abnormal and that it's not part of the implant.  She said it's most likely scar tissue, but to be sure, she's sending me for an ultrasound! 

I'm not worried at all - YEAH RIGHT!  On 7/25/16, I went for the ultrasound and ironically the same radiologist that confirmed my original 5 cm lump was the radiologist doing this ultrasound.  I told him, "I don't know if you know this or not, but you completely changed my life".  He totally remembered me and we had a good talk.  He paid extra attention to the area I described and he stated that there is nothing abnormal feeling or looking on the ultrasound that would make him concerned.  I asked to see the screen as I now know what a cancer looks like on the ultrasound and it looked normal.  I took a major deep breath and said a prayer!  Thank God it was nothing!  I can't even imagine! 

7/20/16 Phase 5 - Surgery #2 Day - Hysterectomy & Oophorectomy

Here we are surgery day 7/20/16 - this will be Surgery #2.  I will be getting a Hysterectomy (removal of Uterus) and Oophorectomy (removal of Ovaries & Fallopian Tubes). Why you may ask?  Well, when someone is BRCA1+, they have a higher percentage of developing ovarian cancer.  The recommendation is to remove the ovaries and fallopian tubes to prevent this from happening.  In my case, I pushed for a Hysterectomy as I have also had some major bleeding along the way.  Since I already have a 15% chance of recurrence, I don't want to take any chances. I have mixed emotions about this surgery mainly because it's removing ALL my female reproductive organs.  I'm fortunate that I've had my children with no problems and I'm totally done having children, but there's still that emotional part of me that knows that the organs that allowed me to become a mother, are now being removed.  All this messes with your mind!  So here we are!  This is a major surgery all done laparoscopically, with a 6-8 week recovery, no lifting anything over 5 pounds, no exercise, no bending down, no abdominal pressure etc.

The surgery will be taking place at Mass General.  What a machine this place is!  All went well, Dr. Clark got everything out with no issues - thank GOD!  I stayed over 1 night and got discharged on 7/21/16. 

Pain management is key with surgery.  I have 4 main cuts around my abdominal area with tons of abdominal pain - HOLY MOLY!!  Beyond that, my stomach is so bloated, it looks like I am 6 months pregnant which is normal for this type of surgery, none of my pants zip up and it's hard to walk, sit up, stand up and plainly, just move period!  Ugh, trying to find the silver lining here???  Let the healing begin.

7/19/16 Phase 4 - Leading up to the Re-Start of Herceptin

It's been a few weeks since my last chemo treatment and so much has taken place.  Based on a recommendation from Dr. Browne, I started seeing a psychologist to help with my anxiety about the future and how to deal and put all that has transpired so far and will continue into perspective.  I've done a great  job of staying positive etc, but it's catching up to me mentally and emotionally.  Dr. Browne suggested I start to see someone to not allow myself to spiral.  So, I started going and it's helped center my thoughts and emotions - Dr. Janet Brown comes very highly recommended - I really like her!  Go figure, I now have 2 Dr. Brown's!

I've also finished all my appointments leading up to the start of Radiation.  Dr. Ping Zhou will be my Oncology Radiologist.  We determined that based on my case, I will be doing 6 weeks of radiation, everyday.  The treatment will be targeted to the right chest wall area.  This will start at the end of July. 

I've also completed all my appointments leading up to Surgery #2 which will be the Hysterectomy & Oophorectomy with Dr. Rachel Clark.  Long story short, 4 days before surgery, I got a call from her office - her nurse so kindly informed me that my insurance wasn't going to cover the cost for the procedure.  I flipped out!  Seriously, I have another major surgery to get my head around and 4 days before they call me to tell me that?  Well, needlesstosay, after lots of last minute calls and running around, the procedure got approved the day before the surgery. Dr. Clark really advocated for me and I'm very thankful - talk about stress!

All that brings us current to where I am now.   I so wish I could get the chest port out of my chest, but it's staying in due to my continued treatment of Herceptin. As of July 19, 2016, we re-start Herceptin for up to a year.  The reason we are continuing this is due to the fact that I am HER2+, it is a targeted treatment that along with the chemo I've gotten helps reduce the chances of recurrence, by acting as a HER2+ blocker.  Before we could re-start Herceptin, I had to go get another Echocardiogram to ensure my heart is strong enough as Herceptin can have effects on the heart.  Luckily mine was perfect!

There was some discrepancies in my pathology reports AFTER surgery.  Initially I was diagnosed as HER2+, after surgery, the pathology reflected that parts of the remaining cancerous tumor was HER2-.  This totally made me nervous and concerned.  Dr. Browne and Dr. Coopey weren't convinced so they reached out for another review with Mass General.  Ultimately, it came back HER2+.  So, my treatment doesn't change going forward, hence why we are continuing with Herceptin every 3 weeks for up to a year.  All this continues and we continue with it, staying as positive as possible.

Physical Transformation

I knew from the start that hair loss was going to be in my future - but honestly, no one can prepare you for it when it happens.  The emotional effects it has on ones self esteem is beyond words.  I usually care very much how I present myself, not to a "diva" degree, but in a "making a good impression" degree.  Well, I have chosen to NOT look in the mirror these past few months because every time I do, I find myself asking myself... "how the hell did I get like this" or "who is this person"?  It's taken me a long time to accept my "new" look - I don't think I ever will - but I have 2 choices, never leave the house (which is quite frankly impossible due to the girls & their activities and all my darn doctor appointments) or put on my big girl panties and embrace my baldness.  I've chosen the latter.  Below is the transformation from the start all the way thru the end of chemo where the hair or lack thereof was at it's worst. God, the transformation is incredible, it's like 2 entirely different people! Truly amazing how a person changes because of this God awful cancer.  

 

6/23/16 - Chemo (Round 4 of 4) - Last Chemo

6/23/16 Last Day of Chemo which I hope and pray will be FOREVER! 
I have been dreaming about this day, yet dreading it all at the same time! When I was diagnosed back on 12/16/15 and I asked for real honesty of what was to come, my surgeon said, "this year will be the hardest year of your life and if you're looking for the "real" of it, it will suck".  She hasn't been wrong yet!  I started my treatment with chemo on 1/7/16, went thru surgery on 4/21/16 and ended chemo on 6/23/16 and this is only the HALFWAY point! 
The physical, mental and emotional changes that have taken place during this time are more than I ever, in my wildest dreams imagined and harder than anyone could have ever prepared me for.  It's amazing what the human body and spirit can endure when pushed to it's limits. I've cried more than I ever imagined possible.  I still cry at the slightest emotional thing.  I always considered myself a strong person, but I found strength I never knew I had, deep strength.  I have always been a long term planner, I've had to learn to let go of that mindset.  I found it causes me too much stress.   What I've learned is that the best laid out plan doesn't mean anything if you're not around to see it thru because life happens during a long period of time and so much can change.  Instead, I now plan in stages, plan A, plan B and plan C.  Makes life less stressful and the plan or goal more attainable in shorter periods of time and if you have to adjust your plan, it's not the end of the world.  This seems to be working much better for me.  I've always been a grateful person, but finding gratitude in the everyday aspects of daily life has been eye opening, life changing really.  We live in a scary world at times, but I have seen and been the recipient of so much genuine love and kindness from people from one extreme to another.  Talk about gratitude. I have no words to express my gratitude for the kindness, love and support my family and I have been shown.  As a religious person, I have found myself questioning  God. My faith has been tested and continues to be at times with the "why" and the "how do I go on" thoughts knowing that I have a 15% recurrence prognosis.  A friend said to me,  "No one is born with an expiration date tattooed on them. When God calls you, you will go.... until then, know that you are alive and you will live till you die. Don't let cancer take over what you fought so hard to have, your life!  Live life to the fullest now.. live in gratitude.. live in giving back.. live in showing how to live after adversity.. have a good life.. enjoy your children, family and friends... be aware of the spiritual life that you are also living.. we are more than our bodies.. we have a soul.. there is so much to do with our life and don't waste it on what ifs".
We have TODAY and NOW

 With Scott

With my beautiful girls - bald and all!

My End of Chemo Send Off

These ladies are angels!

With the amazing nursing staff at the Cancer Center who took care of me all these months.

Chemo (Round 3 of 4)

6/9/16 Chemo Round 3.  Can I say how much a DREAD going for this A/C chemo?  I know it' supposed to help me, but the side effects are just the worst!  Here we go again, putting on my happy chemo face which is really my I want to vomit face and run so far away from this nightmare face.... But here we go, deep breaths, Round 3 bring it on baby!  Kill the living shit out of these bad cancer cells and lets move on! 

Had long talk with Dr. Browne about how I'm feeling.  On and off nausea, arms & legs are sore to the touch, period came back again, belly feels bloated & tight, can't sleep all that good - up at 2am every night etc.  Basically, I have to just deal with the effects, take the meds, drink lots of fluids, etc.  Came back next day for Neulasta - UGH - I hate this!  Not the best round, but keeping my bald head up as best as I can!

I also mentioned that I feel lumps on both "new boobs".  She was concerned with that part, she's happy that I'm starting to examine myself though to figure out what is normal for me.  She did suggest I make an apt with my plastic surgeon to be sure all is ok as I complained about swelling on the sides.  I met with Dr. Ehrlichman on 6/22/16 and he was wonderful.  We talked about all my concerns, he did exam on my and said I'm healing perfectly.  He loves the way they new boobs look - I need to go see him more often - excellent ego boost - LOL!!!

And the Head gets Shaved

They say there is a time and place for everything.  Today 6/5/16, right before the Miss USA pageant was about to start, I said to my husband, "Its time" and he knew what that meant.  I've somehow managed to have hair longer than all my doctors combined thought I'd have hair.  However, it had gotten to a point that it needed to go, there just wasn't enough to try to keep it.  I took a deep breath and Scott started to shave it.  Certainly not what he ever imagined doing for his wife.  In sickness and in health is what our vows say right?  Here it was, living proof of it. 

the deed was done and my hair was gone.  In some strange way, it was liberating.  As I watched the pageant, one of the questions they asked was to define "Confidently Beautiful".  Ironic right?  Well, I could right a 10 page dissertation on that subject, but for now, I'm not saying I feel confident or beautiful on the outside by any means, actually quite the opposite.  Being confidently beautiful goes beyond the outward appearance of a person.  It's a state of being, a presence, an awareness within, it radiates strength with humbleness.  By no means do I feel beautiful in any way, but yet, as a woman and a mother, this is a teaching moment for my girls. Mom can do this and feel ok about it.  Sometimes, life will throw you curve balls you never imagined coming your way and those curve balls can change everything you've ever known.  It's in those moments that you realize what you are made of.  So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back up regardless of how hard it is.  And no matter how you feel on the inside, you get up, dress up, show up and never give up!  That's what confidently beautiful means to me at this particular point in time.  If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is as short and sweet as I can define it...... scary looking I know, but it is what it is.  Here's to baldness!

Chemo (Round 2 of 4)

5/26/16 Chemo Round 2.  To say that I was dreading today would be a major understatement!  I'm so NOT looking forward to going back for more.  I just started to feel like a human being again and BAM.... I have to go back for round 2.  It' so unfair and I have to think or at least I hope that in the future for other cancer patients that research and technology finds a better way. 


Met with Dr. Browne, all looked good, my blood work was ok to go for round 2.  We talked about how I felt and I told her "I don't think I can go thru that again, what can we do for round 2 to be better"?  She changed some of my meds for nausea and when I come back for the Neulasta shot tomorrow, I'll be getting some extra fluids.  Let's hope this is a better round.  Here we go!

I followed the anti nausea meds to a T.  I have to say, this was a much better round.  I didn't feel great - but I didn't feel anywhere near the way I did in round 1 - thank GOD!  Still felt tired, a little bit of nausea, joint pain, swelling, but it was way more tolerable.  The Neuslast isn't fun by any means - lots of pain with it.  I realized my taste buds are completely out of wack.  Nothing tastes like it used to.  On a different note, I've been trying to work the arm exercises in a lot and I'm still not great, but I did manage to get my shirt over my head all by myself!!!  I know...... sounds silly, but you have no idea how BIG that is!   Baby steps to doing the things we take for granted.  I can even raise my arms shoulder height now.  WHAHOOO!  I still can't give hugs like a normal person, so air hugs it is still.  But I'll take the smallest of steps forward.  It's the simple things! 

5/12/16 Phase 3 - Re-Start of Chemo (Round 1 of 4)

With only 3 weeks out of surgery, TODAY 5/12/16, we re-start chemo.  Only this time, it's a different type of chemo, the unforgiving type. I met with Dr. Browne first to make sure I'm ready to start.  She evaluated me & my chest to make sure I was healing ok and to ensure I'm ready to move forward with chemo.  All my blood work came back ready to go, so she said I looked good and I'm cleared to start. 
We also reviewed my pathology report.  This is when it all went downhill.  She discussed how my "after surgery" pathology reflected that the remaining tumor they took our was HER2-.  Before surgery it was HER2+.  She said she would have liked the results to come back reflecting it was still HER2+, but it wasn't the case.  This changed my prognosis to a 15 % recurrence rate even after we go all thru treatment and surgery.  She said they are still going to treat me as if I was HER2+ even though my tumor is what they call "heterogeneous".  I was balling like a baby - I just couldn't hold it together.  How is that possible when everything has been taken out?  She said, "we are treating you with aggressive treatment and doing everything we can to give you the best chance of survival, but even with that, we can't change biology". She told me to not focus on the 15% recurrence rate, but rather, to focus on the 85% chance it won't.  I'm devastated! We talked for a while and I was so angry!  After all the shit I'm doing and putting my body thru, a 15% chance of recurrence?  I don't get it?  How can that be?  I just want to screams so loud!  I was a complete mess.  She gave me a big hug, asked if I wanted to hold off on chemo for today, I said NO, let's do it - I want this to be over!  Off I went to start chemo with tears streaming down my face.  My regular nurse Leslie was there, thank God for her on this day!  She was incredible with keeping me sane.  Of course, this was the one day I told Scott not to come wit me, so I was by myself falling apart.  Nurse Leslie was really concerned about me and she wanted me to wait on chemo - but I didn't want to - for what?  Waiting wasn't going to change the 15%.  With tears coming down my face and feeling just completely defeated, we begin this phase of chemo.  I'll be getting the following:
-Fluids
-Dexamethasone - it's a steroid that helps with nausea
-Emend - helps with nausea
-Aloxi - helps with nausea
-Adriamycin - what they the call the "Red Devil" of chemo - many side effects - too many to name. they have to hand push this chemo in (see below).
-Cytoxan - more chemo - same as above with side effects.

I have to come back tomorrow to get a shot called Neulasta.  This is to prevent my white blood cells from completely dropping.  But it has it's own side effects like muscle and joint pain.  I can vouch and say that I give it a new name "Nasty-Lasta"!!!


I also come back tomorrow to have my 3rd Post Op Appt with Dr. Coopey and Dr. Erhichman.  They both evaluated me, said my chest looked great!  Dr. Erhichman said the new boobs looked fantastic and they were healing well.  I was cleared for light exercise too. 


By the time I got home, I felt like HELL!  Nauseous, lethargic, my chest hurt, my legs hurt, my feet were swelled to the point that I could barely walk and I began the vomiting.  I got all the side effects all at once!  It was excruciating.  I thought I was going to pop all the stitches out of my boobs.  I couldn't handle the smell of food either.  Then out of nowhere I also get my period.  WTH?   That's not supposed to happen while on chemo.  This continued for 5 days.  I took all the meds they told me to take to help with the side effects, but they did NOTHING!!!!!   I honestly felt like I was being tortured, less the physical beating.  I have NEVER felt anything like this EVER in my life.  I can honestly understand why people give up, it's all too much, just too much!  I stopped taking everything they told me to take and started on Zofran (another anti nausea med).  By day 7, I started to feel slightly human.  I hadn't eaten anything other than crackers, chicken broth and watermelon this whole time - those were the only things I could stomach and use for fluids at the same time.  As the following days went by, I started to feel a bit better each day, but never quite normal.  I'm not sure if there is going to ever be a normal again.  It was during this time that I found myself spiraling downhill both physically and emotionally.  How much can a person take all at once?  I had nothing left.  My poor husband and girls.  He was doing everything he could to help me and my girls were becoming the mother figure to me and each other as I was not capable of anything.  My heart would just break each time I got sick or couldn't walk or put 2 words together or finish a sentence or thought. How did I get here and when was it going to be over?  This has been the worst 2 weeks of my life hands down.  I don't know how I'm going to get thru these next 3 rounds if it's going to be like this.  I don't know if I can do it. 
As I was feeling pretty low, my coworker Mel stopped by one morning to bring me this.  I signed poster from many of my co-workers with inspirational quotes and personal notes.  I have no words how much this meant, especially at this particular point in time.  I'm speechless and beyond grateful.  it gave me strength I didn't have.

Waking up from Surgery, Post Op & Recovery

We left for the hospital on 4/21/16 at 6am and I was checked in, prepped for surgery and ready to go by 8:05am.  The scariest part was the anesthesiologist coming in to have me basically sign my life away, just in case!!  they should really do this part BEFORE surgery day - alot to take in honestly!  My breast surgeon, Dr. Coopey and plastic surgeon, Dr. Ehrichman came in to talk me thru the process one last time, coz ya know, I like all the major details just one last time right before I go into surgery - LOL, what was I thinking?  I told them, "let's get this right once ok Docs".  Scott kissed me and that's all I remember!

I woke up in a private room with Scott sitting there waiting for me to wake up.  I opened my eyes and looked around, I wasn't sure where I was.  I looked at him and said, "when are we going to start surgery"?  He started laughing and said "you're done Irene, you came out of surgery hours ago, it was over at 2:45pm, you came out of recovery into the private room at 5pm and both doctors said it went really well, they got everything out".  It was like it never happened, I remembered nothing!  Still trying to get my barrings, I looked down at my chest.  I'm so used to being able to see my DD boobs when I lay down. As I looked down, I saw nothing.  I asked Scott, "did they do the reconstruction because I can't feel or see anything there, plus I can't move my arms to feel"?   He then went on to tell me how Dr. Ehrichman came out to talk to him very proudly letting him know that he gave me the perfect C's!   LOL, Scott was like, hey that's my wife you're talking about!  Dr's sure get very happy about their work!  I started to laugh, but it hurt so much!  I realized I was still plugged into so many machines monitoring me, had 4 drains in me (2 on each side) and at the moment I didn't feel much of anything due to all the pain management drugs.  Thank God for those!  Scott stayed in the hospital with me, while my mom was home with the girls.  I slept pretty much the rest of the day into the morning being woken up to take the pain meds through out the night. 

The next morning, bright and early, 2 of my nurses came in.  They had a mission, they wanted me up out of the bed and walking.  I couldn't even imagine doing that!  But up we went to attempt to walk!  It was hands down, the hardest physical thing I ever had to do!  I couldn't stand!  I started having a major anxiety attack, crying in pain and fear and the reality of what just happened.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I kept saying I can't do it , I can't do and they were masters at this and were so calm and patient with me as they were attempting to hold me up - they were amazing and I felt so helpless.  after about 15 minutes of me spiraling out of control, I got my legs under me and slowly they helped me take my first steps.  Who would have thought walking would have been such an ordeal?  No one prepared for that part!  Next up was getting the catheter out and me trying to go tot the bathroom by myself.  I totally forgot that I needed a catheter.  That was a fantastic feeling getting that pulled out of you - NOT!  Then off we went to the bathroom - OUCH is all I can say about that first pee!  I felt so helpless.  I not used to not being able to do for myself and here I was at the mercy of medical professionals, Scott and family and friends.  I was completely out of my comfort zone. 

Dr. Coopey and Dr. Ehrichman came to check in on me and give me the status.  They were both very happy with the surgery and reconstruction.  Results:  1.9 was the remaining tumor they got out, reflected that it was ER+ & PR+, but they were still waiting on the HER2 part of the pathology report - that takes a little bit longer to get back.  They took out 3 lymph nodes, only one of them was cancerous.  Silicon implants were put in for reconstruction. Margins were clear.  All in all, they were very happy with the outcome so far.

I ate for the first time which was wonderful because I was starving at this point.  When the girls got home from school, Scott came with them and my mom to the hospital.  As they walked in, I could see how scared they were.  They have never seen me in this type of way before.  Mom is the supposed to be strong.  I saw the fear in their eyes as they looked at me laying there.  They asked a lot of questions and we laughed a bit.  Some friends came by to visit as well and it was nice to see people but I felt and looked like I had just gotten run over by a massive truck!

I stayed in the hospital until Saturday afternoon 4/23/16.  I was ready to go home at that point.  Before we left - the Dr's and nurses went all thru everything with me as far as pain management, recovery, movement, changing the drains out etc.  Getting into the car and the ride home was really painful.  I felt every bump and it hurt!  Once we got home, the girls had the couch all set up for me with blankets, pillows for my arms and head - it was very sweet.   I basically slept on the couch, propped up with pillows every night because I couldn't lay down flat in our bed.  The drains were excruciating.  Scott would drain them for me twice a day for the first week - bless this man!  One really wonderful thing was that my neighbors and friends had set up a "Meal Train' for my family for the next 2 weeks.  I can't even begin to say how wonderful it was.  Not having to worry about that was incredible - I'm forever grateful!  So many people sent flowers, cards, so sweet and would make my days brighter for sure!  I realized very quickly how difficult things were going to be to get function back.  I couldn't raise my arms at all, let alone hold anything.  It was scary.  On day 5 of being home, I told Scott I was ready to see myself in the mirror.  I wanted to see what everything looked like.  We walked over to the mirror together, he helped me open everything up and there it was.... ME with all the drains, scars - it was too much, my eyes just filled up with such sadness and disgust.  How did this happen to me? Who is that person in the mirror?  Next thing I knew, I passed out and Scott grabbed me just in time before I hit the floor.  It was awful.  I was hyperventilating, I just couldn't handle it.  I didn't think looking at myself and what has happened to my body would affect me in this way, but it was completely overwhelming. 
By the end of that first week, we went back for my 1st Post Op appointment and 1 drain from each side was taken out.  HOLY CRAP was that painful - I seriously saw stars!!!  Dr. Coopey said all looked good.  A week later we went back for my 2nd Post Op appointment.  The remaining pathology report came back and they found that the 1.9 tumor that was taken out was HER2- which was different than my original diagnosis.  This was a bit different as she said that I have a slightly unique tumor - it's heterogeneous meaning it is both HER2+ & -.  Still treatable and with good prognosis.  My treatment plan would not change going forward as they would still treat me as HER2+.  This explains why the original chemo didn't completely destroy the entire tumor.  I was scared and disappointed, but at the end of the day, there was nothing they or I could have done about what the tumor was made up of - it's biology. so we move forward.  During the visit, the other 2 drains came out - HOLY CRAP again!  Getting those things taken out was soooo painful!  But at least they were out and I could actually put my arms down instead of walking around like a person with really wide arms just sticking out of them to accommodate the drains on the sides of my body.  One major recovery step down - DRAINS ARE OUT and even though I could barely move my arms, it was something to celebrate!  Dr. also gave me the green light on starting arm exercises. 

I felt like now recovery can begin.  I realized very quickly that just because the drains were out and I got the green light to do arm exercises, it really didn't mean all that much.  I still couldn't sleep flat - so continued couch sleeping it was for me - I missed my bed and sleeping next to my husband, but there was no other way!  I tried to do the basic arm exercise, OMG, how pathetic was I, couldn't do it!  I was in tears!  It made me realize how long a road I have to attempt to get back to normal function, mobility and strength.  Patience, not my strongest characteristic, is challenging me again.  Digging deep to find patience with myself and remove the frustration of what I can't do and accepting that it's going to take time and ALOT of patience to get to this "new normal" that I keep being told I will have.  I'm not sure I get it yet?  Needlesstosay, I don't have much of  a choice in the matter at the moment.  I just hope I can do this and be kind to myself along the way. 

After surgery once I came around - needed my sign!

Sophia asked her friends to wear Pink on my surgery day to show support for her mama - WOW!

Evmorfia asked her friends to wear Pink on my surgery day to show support for her mama too!  So touched!

4/21/16 Phase 2 - Surgery #1 Day - Bilateral Masectomy & Reconstruction

Insomnia has hit a new HIGH!  I haven't slept for the past 3 nights.  Too many thoughts and emotions going through my mind.  I said good night to my daughters, hugged and kissed them.  I snuck into their rooms during the night and just watched them sleep, so peaceful, with so much life ahead of them.  Gosh, they are beautiful!  I also laid there next to my husband, watching him sleep as well and thought about the day we met and all the life we have had up to this point.  I think about all the life I hope to have and memories to make as we watch our girls grow and we grow together.  So much future ahead!


Then the reality sets in that, the day is finally here and saying I'm scared is a major understatement!  I've done all I can do to be ready for this day, I'm saying many prayers, putting my life into my doctors hands, kissing my daughters as they go off to school and hugging them as tight as I possibly can.  As I do that - my mind drifts to the worst case scenario and I just have to STOP myself.  Today is NOT the day to think those thoughts!  Scott and I are off to the hospital.  I don't want to write too much other than....  Bilateral Masectomy, Sentinal Node Biopsy and Reconstruction, "Let's Do This Surgery Thing". I let go and leave the rest up to the hands of my surgeons and ultimately up to God.

Getting Ready for Surgery

The day is quickly approaching - the BIG DAY - the day that makes me have such mixed emotions.  SURGERY DAY is scheduled for Thursday, April 21st, 2016. 


I had my final discussions with my breast surgeon, Dr. Coopey and plastic surgeon, Dr. Ehrlichman and we have gone thru the procedures and plan A, B and C in case things don't go as planned.  I like to know ALL my potential options as it is major surgery and a long surgery at that - 8 - 10 hours long - UGH!  To me that seems insane to be under Anesthesia for that long - it scares me ALOT!

My mixed emotions range from one extreme to another.  On the one hand, I'm actually really excited from the perspective of having faith in my surgeons that they WILL get all the cancer out!  However, on the other hand, I'm scared shitless!  Scared that once they open me up, that it will be worse than what we already know and that it has spread to a point that it's not containable or that they can't get it all out or that something goes wrong during surgery and I don't wake up.  I know - I'm thinking about the worst things that can happen, but all those things are a possibility and truly scare me.  I'm trying really hard to stay busy so that I don't let my mind wonder - but it's impossible!  I look at my girls and my husband and think OMG - what if the worst happens?  What then?  I know I can't think that way - but like I said, it's impossible not to.  I try to shift my thinking and stay positive, but the reality of what's to come on Thursday is coming to fruition. 

Beyond the above thoughts, I don't think I can truly grasp that a huge part of my body will be gone.  I can't even fathom what it will feel like to not have my boobs.  They have been good to me during my young and spunky years, making me feel like a sexy woman, giving me a great curvy figure, I've used them to get out of tickets LOL among other things.  Yes, I knew when to use them and when not to LOL!  The biggest, most important thing they have done was provide food and nourishment to my girls.  Breastfeeding was such a gift!  It still amazes me to know that the milk that came from them, helped my girls develop and grow from the moment they were born.  I will forever be grateful for that.  Yet, on the flip side, I'll be glad to see them go as they are trying to now kill me!  Isn't that crazy?  They provide nourishment and life for 2 people and yet, have the exact opposite impact on my own life ?  Crazy!  I also never imagined that I would end up with implants!  WHAT???  For a large breasted woman, I only ever imagined a breast reduction, not implants!  Again, Crazy!  In my scariest and wildest of bad dreams, I never saw this day coming! 

I have been frantic getting all my things in order from wrapping everything up at work since I will be out for a while , to getting everything set at home for Scott and the girls.  I drove down to NJ to get my mom, so she can be here to help as much as she can and that's all I can do.  So, I will end here with scared, yet positive thoughts for a successful bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  I pray that God watches over me during the surgery, I hope that all goes well and that I can take another major step towards fighting this horrible breast cancer that has been trust upon me.  Praying everyday for this.

Something to smile about - Pantene Beautiful Lengths Donation Recieved!

On the same day as I got the not so great MRI results, I came home to a wonderful letter from Pantene Beautiful Lengths confirming that they received my hair donation and that it will be used to make a nice wig for another cancer patient.  At least something good is coming out of my hair loss that will benefit someone else and give them a sense of confidence that hair loss takes away from you because of cancer.  My heart is full.

Follow up MRI - not so great :(

Since my last chemo treatment, I've had to go back for one more targeted treatment of Herceptin.  Pretty straight forward, no issues.

Dr. Browne also examined me and ordered a follow up MRI so we can see what the 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments have done to the tumor. 

On 4/5/16, I went in for the MRI.  I had to take some pre-meds so that I don't have an allergic reaction to the dye like last time.  When I got my results, they weren't so great!  UGH!  Are you kidding me - what a blow!!!  Basically, it's mixed results.  The Good News is that nothing new has appeared.  The Bad News is that not much has changed in relationship to the tumor.  So, 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments, ups and downs, body changes, hair loss, a true emotional roller coaster on a daily basis that only me and my family can understand for not much change to this damn tumor.

Needlesstosay, I'm devastated!  Dr. Browne was hoping to see the tumor more or less gone before surgery, but that's not the case with me.  It's still there saying "hello, I'm still here".  At least nothing has changed as far as my treatment plan as of right now, but going into surgery is going to be a bit more complex.   I hope they can get this sucker out and any of it's little friends hiding in the cells of my body, lymph nodes etc!  I was told I have a "Stubborn Tumor'.  Really, come on now!?!  I just want this thing to go away!!!!!

Chemo - (Round 4 - weeks 10-12 of 12)

Week 10 Chemo March 10, 2016 - I can't believe we are at week 10 which begins the last round of this part of treatment.  This is going to be the last time I get not only my normal "Pre-Chemo meds" but then the "Big Chemo Cocktail" with Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxol which is what I get the first week of each "new round".  I can't believe it!  Scott came with me and my dear friend Patti came to visit!  During the treatment, I felt my "new" usual all over body bloating, everything was swollen - UGH!  I don't really care for this feeling at ALL!  As the week went by, the Hot & Cold flashes continued and so did the hair loss.  My little pixie cut is quickly thinning out.  At the hospital my doctor and all the nurses are just absolutely amazed that I still have hair.  I jokingly say "it's my Greek Goddess genes!" LOL!!!  They all laugh at & with me!  Hey - we have to keep the humor going otherwise there would be way too many tears!

Week 11 Chemo March 17, 2016 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I had to wear my greens today to my chemo treatment - maybe it will bring me some Leprechaun Luck!  I'll take any luck I can get ~ LOL!  All looked good for treatment.  I was plugged into my meds ready for the Taxol!  I felt the normal bloating and swelling - I'm getting used to it now, but still doesn't make it any better.  I also had to do a follow up Transvaginal Ultrasound at my OBGYN's office.  All went well.  The results came back and thank goodness, the 5 cm cyst had disseminated all by itself!  Thank You GOD!  Now that's some GREAT news!!! 

Week 12 Chemo March 24, 2016 - Week 12!  WOW - how can that be? Phase one of my treatment plan has come to an end today, I can't believe it!  My good friend Patty came to visit today again!  She brought beautiful Calla Lily's - so sweet! 

It's a bittersweet day. Part of me is very excited because I've made it thru this part of treatment and these 12 weeks (although emotionally and physically different), I still made it!  The other part of me is really nervous about what's to come... surgery, more chemo (the type that will knock me to the core from what they say, radiation and more surgery)!!  While others will be enjoying their lives, living life and planning summer vacations, making memories etc, my reality is very different.  My reality is about survival, there is no other option for anything other than that.   Basically, 2016 is about letting go of what was and creating what can be for years to come.  So, in the scheme of things, 1 year of going thru hell for a potential many years down the road is an excellent trade off.  I remember saying to my breast surgeon in the very beginning, "give it to me straight, I need 20 years, can you get me at least 20 years of life with all things being considered with no sugar coating"?  She responded, "in giving it to you straight... no one can predict how long someone will live, we can walk outside tomorrow and that be the end due to some fluke event or accident based on how life is today.  In relation to your cancer diagnosis and all things being considered, we can get 20 years, but the next year will be hell and it will suck, so prepare yourself""  I LOVE her!  I don't need fluff, I need reality and that's what she gave me! 

Now fast forward 12 weeks.... End of Phase 1 of Treatment.  I was anxious to see Dr. Browne because I wanted to hear what she has to say about the original tumor.  I vividly remember what the original tumor felt like because I was the one that found / felt it.  When I checked myself this morning, it definitely felt smaller than it did when I was diagnosed back in Dec 2015, but it's still there, I still feel it's presence which scares me.  So, my question is, what have these past 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments really done on in the inside if I can still feel it, just smaller?  Dr. Browne  and I talked for a while.  After she examined me, she said that ideally we like to feel no evidence of the tumor.  She could still feel mine ~ NOT GOOD!  She went on to say that it has shrunk and it feels as if it is half the size ~ THIS IS GOOD!  She ordered another MRI to be done some time next week, so that we can see what we're looking at.  I'm anxiously going to be waiting for these results to get a baseline as to where I stand internally and get the pathology on the tumor from the MRI!  She also wants me to come back next week for Herceptin only which is one of the targeted treatments.  Honestly, I don't mind as it is another day where they can monitor me and we can talk about the MRI results.  I have to say, I'm worried.  I feel like although the tumor has shrunk in half, it's not enough.  I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm scared yet again!

Phase 1 of treatment.... DONE!!!

Let's hope it did enough to battle this beast of a tumor!!!