The day is quickly approaching - the BIG DAY - the day that makes me have such mixed emotions. SURGERY DAY is scheduled for Thursday, April 21st, 2016.
I had my final discussions with my breast surgeon, Dr. Coopey and plastic surgeon, Dr. Ehrlichman and we have gone thru the procedures and plan A, B and C in case things don't go as planned. I like to know ALL my potential options as it is major surgery and a long surgery at that - 8 - 10 hours long - UGH! To me that seems insane to be under Anesthesia for that long - it scares me ALOT!
My mixed emotions range from one extreme to another. On the one hand, I'm actually really excited from the perspective of having faith in my surgeons that they WILL get all the cancer out! However, on the other hand, I'm scared shitless! Scared that once they open me up, that it will be worse than what we already know and that it has spread to a point that it's not containable or that they can't get it all out or that something goes wrong during surgery and I don't wake up. I know - I'm thinking about the worst things that can happen, but all those things are a possibility and truly scare me. I'm trying really hard to stay busy so that I don't let my mind wonder - but it's impossible! I look at my girls and my husband and think OMG - what if the worst happens? What then? I know I can't think that way - but like I said, it's impossible not to. I try to shift my thinking and stay positive, but the reality of what's to come on Thursday is coming to fruition.
Beyond the above thoughts, I don't think I can truly grasp that a huge part of my body will be gone. I can't even fathom what it will feel like to not have my boobs. They have been good to me during my young and spunky years, making me feel like a sexy woman, giving me a great curvy figure, I've used them to get out of tickets LOL among other things. Yes, I knew when to use them and when not to LOL! The biggest, most important thing they have done was provide food and nourishment to my girls. Breastfeeding was such a gift! It still amazes me to know that the milk that came from them, helped my girls develop and grow from the moment they were born. I will forever be grateful for that. Yet, on the flip side, I'll be glad to see them go as they are trying to now kill me! Isn't that crazy? They provide nourishment and life for 2 people and yet, have the exact opposite impact on my own life ? Crazy! I also never imagined that I would end up with implants! WHAT??? For a large breasted woman, I only ever imagined a breast reduction, not implants! Again, Crazy! In my scariest and wildest of bad dreams, I never saw this day coming!
I have been frantic getting all my things in order from wrapping everything up at work since I will be out for a while , to getting everything set at home for Scott and the girls. I drove down to NJ to get my mom, so she can be here to help as much as she can and that's all I can do. So, I will end here with scared, yet positive thoughts for a successful bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I pray that God watches over me during the surgery, I hope that all goes well and that I can take another major step towards fighting this horrible breast cancer that has been trust upon me. Praying everyday for this.
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