We also reviewed my pathology report. This is when it all went downhill. She discussed how my "after surgery" pathology reflected that the remaining tumor they took our was HER2-. Before surgery it was HER2+. She said she would have liked the results to come back reflecting it was still HER2+, but it wasn't the case. This changed my prognosis to a 15 % recurrence rate even after we go all thru treatment and surgery. She said they are still going to treat me as if I was HER2+ even though my tumor is what they call "heterogeneous". I was balling like a baby - I just couldn't hold it together. How is that possible when everything has been taken out? She said, "we are treating you with aggressive treatment and doing everything we can to give you the best chance of survival, but even with that, we can't change biology". She told me to not focus on the 15% recurrence rate, but rather, to focus on the 85% chance it won't. I'm devastated! We talked for a while and I was so angry! After all the shit I'm doing and putting my body thru, a 15% chance of recurrence? I don't get it? How can that be? I just want to screams so loud! I was a complete mess. She gave me a big hug, asked if I wanted to hold off on chemo for today, I said NO, let's do it - I want this to be over! Off I went to start chemo with tears streaming down my face. My regular nurse Leslie was there, thank God for her on this day! She was incredible with keeping me sane. Of course, this was the one day I told Scott not to come wit me, so I was by myself falling apart. Nurse Leslie was really concerned about me and she wanted me to wait on chemo - but I didn't want to - for what? Waiting wasn't going to change the 15%. With tears coming down my face and feeling just completely defeated, we begin this phase of chemo. I'll be getting the following:
-Fluids
-Dexamethasone - it's a steroid that helps with nausea
-Emend - helps with nausea
-Aloxi - helps with nausea
-Adriamycin - what they the call the "Red Devil" of chemo - many side effects - too many to name. they have to hand push this chemo in (see below).
-Cytoxan - more chemo - same as above with side effects.
I have to come back tomorrow to get a shot called Neulasta. This is to prevent my white blood cells from completely dropping. But it has it's own side effects like muscle and joint pain. I can vouch and say that I give it a new name "Nasty-Lasta"!!!
I also come back tomorrow to have my 3rd Post Op Appt with Dr. Coopey and Dr. Erhichman. They both evaluated me, said my chest looked great! Dr. Erhichman said the new boobs looked fantastic and they were healing well. I was cleared for light exercise too.
By the time I got home, I felt like HELL! Nauseous, lethargic, my chest hurt, my legs hurt, my feet were swelled to the point that I could barely walk and I began the vomiting. I got all the side effects all at once! It was excruciating. I thought I was going to pop all the stitches out of my boobs. I couldn't handle the smell of food either. Then out of nowhere I also get my period. WTH? That's not supposed to happen while on chemo. This continued for 5 days. I took all the meds they told me to take to help with the side effects, but they did NOTHING!!!!! I honestly felt like I was being tortured, less the physical beating. I have NEVER felt anything like this EVER in my life. I can honestly understand why people give up, it's all too much, just too much! I stopped taking everything they told me to take and started on Zofran (another anti nausea med). By day 7, I started to feel slightly human. I hadn't eaten anything other than crackers, chicken broth and watermelon this whole time - those were the only things I could stomach and use for fluids at the same time. As the following days went by, I started to feel a bit better each day, but never quite normal. I'm not sure if there is going to ever be a normal again. It was during this time that I found myself spiraling downhill both physically and emotionally. How much can a person take all at once? I had nothing left. My poor husband and girls. He was doing everything he could to help me and my girls were becoming the mother figure to me and each other as I was not capable of anything. My heart would just break each time I got sick or couldn't walk or put 2 words together or finish a sentence or thought. How did I get here and when was it going to be over? This has been the worst 2 weeks of my life hands down. I don't know how I'm going to get thru these next 3 rounds if it's going to be like this. I don't know if I can do it.
As I was feeling pretty low, my coworker Mel stopped by one morning to bring me this. I signed poster from many of my co-workers with inspirational quotes and personal notes. I have no words how much this meant, especially at this particular point in time. I'm speechless and beyond grateful. it gave me strength I didn't have.
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