Chemo - (Round 4 - weeks 10-12 of 12)

Week 10 Chemo March 10, 2016 - I can't believe we are at week 10 which begins the last round of this part of treatment.  This is going to be the last time I get not only my normal "Pre-Chemo meds" but then the "Big Chemo Cocktail" with Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxol which is what I get the first week of each "new round".  I can't believe it!  Scott came with me and my dear friend Patti came to visit!  During the treatment, I felt my "new" usual all over body bloating, everything was swollen - UGH!  I don't really care for this feeling at ALL!  As the week went by, the Hot & Cold flashes continued and so did the hair loss.  My little pixie cut is quickly thinning out.  At the hospital my doctor and all the nurses are just absolutely amazed that I still have hair.  I jokingly say "it's my Greek Goddess genes!" LOL!!!  They all laugh at & with me!  Hey - we have to keep the humor going otherwise there would be way too many tears!

Week 11 Chemo March 17, 2016 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I had to wear my greens today to my chemo treatment - maybe it will bring me some Leprechaun Luck!  I'll take any luck I can get ~ LOL!  All looked good for treatment.  I was plugged into my meds ready for the Taxol!  I felt the normal bloating and swelling - I'm getting used to it now, but still doesn't make it any better.  I also had to do a follow up Transvaginal Ultrasound at my OBGYN's office.  All went well.  The results came back and thank goodness, the 5 cm cyst had disseminated all by itself!  Thank You GOD!  Now that's some GREAT news!!! 

Week 12 Chemo March 24, 2016 - Week 12!  WOW - how can that be? Phase one of my treatment plan has come to an end today, I can't believe it!  My good friend Patty came to visit today again!  She brought beautiful Calla Lily's - so sweet! 

It's a bittersweet day. Part of me is very excited because I've made it thru this part of treatment and these 12 weeks (although emotionally and physically different), I still made it!  The other part of me is really nervous about what's to come... surgery, more chemo (the type that will knock me to the core from what they say, radiation and more surgery)!!  While others will be enjoying their lives, living life and planning summer vacations, making memories etc, my reality is very different.  My reality is about survival, there is no other option for anything other than that.   Basically, 2016 is about letting go of what was and creating what can be for years to come.  So, in the scheme of things, 1 year of going thru hell for a potential many years down the road is an excellent trade off.  I remember saying to my breast surgeon in the very beginning, "give it to me straight, I need 20 years, can you get me at least 20 years of life with all things being considered with no sugar coating"?  She responded, "in giving it to you straight... no one can predict how long someone will live, we can walk outside tomorrow and that be the end due to some fluke event or accident based on how life is today.  In relation to your cancer diagnosis and all things being considered, we can get 20 years, but the next year will be hell and it will suck, so prepare yourself""  I LOVE her!  I don't need fluff, I need reality and that's what she gave me! 

Now fast forward 12 weeks.... End of Phase 1 of Treatment.  I was anxious to see Dr. Browne because I wanted to hear what she has to say about the original tumor.  I vividly remember what the original tumor felt like because I was the one that found / felt it.  When I checked myself this morning, it definitely felt smaller than it did when I was diagnosed back in Dec 2015, but it's still there, I still feel it's presence which scares me.  So, my question is, what have these past 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments really done on in the inside if I can still feel it, just smaller?  Dr. Browne  and I talked for a while.  After she examined me, she said that ideally we like to feel no evidence of the tumor.  She could still feel mine ~ NOT GOOD!  She went on to say that it has shrunk and it feels as if it is half the size ~ THIS IS GOOD!  She ordered another MRI to be done some time next week, so that we can see what we're looking at.  I'm anxiously going to be waiting for these results to get a baseline as to where I stand internally and get the pathology on the tumor from the MRI!  She also wants me to come back next week for Herceptin only which is one of the targeted treatments.  Honestly, I don't mind as it is another day where they can monitor me and we can talk about the MRI results.  I have to say, I'm worried.  I feel like although the tumor has shrunk in half, it's not enough.  I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm scared yet again!

Phase 1 of treatment.... DONE!!!

Let's hope it did enough to battle this beast of a tumor!!!

Fabulously Fighting ~ Pink Carpet Event

Fighting Fabulously

Pink Carpet Event

February 28th, 2016 at Bravo Boutique, Concord, NH

My husband nominated me to be considered for Fighting Fabulously's Pink Carpet Event at Bravo Boutique. I was so honored to have been selected! These 2 amazing women who started Fighting Fabulously who are both cancer fighters themselves, brought a day of pampering and excitement with so much selfless love & joy to the 5 women chosen, all who are either battling breast cancer or are survivors. It was the first time since being diagnosed in Dec that I felt like my old self and had a sense of normal. Thank you Shanna Clarke-Pinet and Mary Morin Carlin for all that you do and for making me smile & feel so special. Special thanks to Governor Maggie Hassan who also came to show her support! I will forever remember this precious day as I shared it with amazing women, my wonderful husband & beautiful girls!

Chemo (Round 3 - weeks 7-9 of 12)

Week 7 Chemo Feb 18, 2016 - Going into week 7 I felt a bit worried as today was going to be not only my normal "Pre-Chemo meds" but then the "Big Chemo Cocktail" with Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxol which is what I get the first week of each "new round".  Scott came with me and my dear friend Patti came to visit!  During the treatment, I felt sooo bloated, everything was swollen - UGH!  Honestly I thought I was going to blow up and explode!  By nighttime, I had the worst heartburn yet!  Thank God for Prilosec!  As the week went by, I also got a swift hit of the Hot & Cold flashes.  Holy Moly!  It hits me at night and one minute I'm hot, then sweating my but off then the next minute I'm freezing!  This isn't a fun thing at any point in time, especially not fun when you are sleep deprived!  I also developed a bit of a cold, mostly the sniffles, but hanging in there as I keep trying to get used to this new hairdo!

Week 8 Chemo Feb 25, 2016 - This week was going to be a very SPECIAL week because it was going to be the first time my girls come to treatment with me!  They are on Feb school vacation and they kept asking to come - this was the "right" time for them.  Evmorfia is a  Girl Scout and she made the decision to work on her Silver Award by focusing on Breast Cancer.  She had this great idea to view it from the perspective of a teenager living with a parent with cancer.  There aren't many resources out there from this point of view and she felt she could have some impact.  Her goal is to document my journey, put it to video, publish it and ultimately make it a resource for the hospital for teenagers.  She also wants to be able to provide the Oncology something that all cancer patients can use while they are getting treatment. She's not sure what that will be yet, but she has such a great plan and of course her little sister Sophia wants in on it too!  Today will also be a productive day as she'll actually be meeting with the hospital & nurse staff to talk thru it!  I've very proud that she wants to do this.  I can't wait to see her final product.  I hope it makes an impact! 

Treatment was just normal chemo today (Taxol).  Felt bloated and swollen during treatment.  Dr. Browne (pictured below) said all looked good and to continue doing what I'm doing.  I also met with the Radiation Oncologist today - Dr. Zhoe.  We discussed many things related to when I get surgery and also when I start radiation.  So much to consider with each step.  With all this information, I'm happy to say I've made the final decision on surgery and it's scheduled!! 

During this week, I also was part of the "Fighting Fabulously" Pink Carpet Event.  There will a separate blog entry on that one as it was "FABULOUS" and deserves it's own entry! 

Week 9 Chemo March 3, 2016 - I felt pretty good going into week 9.  My good friend Patti stopped by today!  Overall ok, the only thing that has been declining is my sleep.  For the past 2 weeks I have been averaging 4 hours of sleep a night!  It's torture!  I fall asleep like a baby and then BAMM.... 1:30am every night I wake up and just linger on.  I brought it to Dr. Browne's attention and she decided to lower my Dex from 10 mg to 8mg which may make a difference.  she also suggested to take Tylenol PM.  I did try the Tylenol PM on Friday and Saturday night and ohhhhhhhhhh.... what a beautiful thing...SLEEP!  I forgot what it was like to get a good nights sleep!   This brings us to the end of Round 3!  It isn't pretty, but I'm here, still alive and kickin' - trying to beat this cancer thing!  Take that Cancer.... BAMM!

Hair Loss... Donation (Pantene Beautiful Lengths) & Cut

When I was first diagnosed and after I had spoken to many other women who have gone thru this, the single biggest thing that was mentioned time and time again was how devastating the hair loss part was to them on many different levels.  I was so personally overwhelmed with the diagnosis and learning as much and as fast as possible that I could care less about the hair part, after all, it's "just hair" right, it'll grow back!  I also remember, when my dad was fighting his lung cancer battle, the one thing he did not want to do was lose his hair - he was crazed about it.  Here was a 77 year old man - who would have thought it would be such a big thing for him?  It's interesting, in the Greek culture, hair is viewed as "strength".  I think that's how my dad viewed it and without it, he would look weak and no old fashioned Greek man EVER wanted to appear weak. 

I was told by many that with the type of chemo I'm getting, by day 17 of treatment, I'd have no hair.  Day 17 came and I had no hair loss!  I thought I was pretty darn lucky, then day 25 came, after chemo week 4 - that's when it began for me.  When you have thick and I mean thick, long hair and it begins to fall out, it's surreal.  I was upset, but I was in denial.  I was thinking, "I have so much hair, it won't happen to me, how could I possibly lose all this hair"?  The last time I had short hair was pre high school.  I had the good old "Dorothy Hamel" hair style - LOL!  And ever since 9th grade I haven't had short hair - I refused!  I pulled out old pictures to see myself and had some good laughs, my girls thought my 80's hair was Hysterical!  Gosh, Aquanet - I should have bought stock in that company back then - LOL!

When week 5 set in, it just continued to fall out like crazy!  I couldn't believe it!  The texture, the feel of it and overall everything about it had just completely changed!  That day, I stuffed & filled up 3 zip lock bags of hair.  Devastating doesn't remotely come close to describe how I felt.  I kept touching my hair and what normally would feel like a big giant bush of thick hair, felt like dead, brittle something.  I cried so much that night!  So much so, I even popped a blood vessel in my eye.  Not only was I losing my hair, but now I looked like I got punched in the face and had a giant red eye!  I was scary looking to myself!  I didn't recognize this person anymore.  What was happening to me, who was I looking at?  Was this going to be the new me?  Ugh, I just couldn't deal with it!  Honestly I was a mess, snapping at Scott and the girls - I was turning into a royal.... you know what and it had to stop!

So, once I recognized my own insanity, being that I'm all about moving ahead and forward, I made the decision that night to donate what hair I had left while it was still healthy and to move ahead with shaving my head.  It is the only thing I had control over and I wanted to do this MY WAY, not cancer's way and definitely, NOT on cancers time table!  I was taking control back for myself, even if it's the only time I do have control over anything in regards to this cancer hell!    It was really important to me to try to help someone else.  If this head of hair I once had, even though it's not all of it, could be used to help someone else, then I wanted, I needed to do that for someone else.  Why not put a smile on someone else's face with hair that could be used for a nice wig that will make them feel whole again?  I felt it was the right thing to do. My daughter's have donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths in the past and that's where I too will donate.  I love this organization and I hope my hair finds a wonderful place, brightens someones day and as my dad would say "gives them a head (kefali) full of strength (theenami)".

I called my hair dresser, Meredith and she was going to come over and do it for me!  On Monday, 2/15/16 we had a hair date!  Scott and I both had off from work and the girls wanted to be there to be part of it, so we let them stay home for a bit and took them to school late.  My intention was to donate what was left and shave the rest off and just be done with it!  But my hairdresser insisted on leaving an inch.  She felt that I could buy some more time with a short pixie.  I know it won't last long, but I agreed.  So here it is.  I don't feel like myself at all!  I have no idea who this person is?  Scott and the girls like it!  The girls think I look "edgy".  I almost peed myself laughing!  Me "EDGY"... LOL!!!  I have to get used to this, oh Lordy!  Below are the Before and After pics.

Chemo (Round 2 - Weeks 4-6 of 12)

Week 4 Chemo Jan 28, 2016 - I felt pretty good going into week 4 based on the past 3 weeks but I also knew that today was going to be not only my normal "Pre-Chemo meds" but then the "Big Chemo Cocktail" with Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxol which is what I get the first week of each "new round".  I was a bit nervous to see how I would handle it this time.  I've been very lucky so far, I know that.  My hope has been to feel good for as long as possible, my fingers are crossed!  Scott was with me on this long day - I couldn't do this without him!  He's been such a trooper - I'm so grateful and lucky for him - he's the love of my life!


I met with Dr. Hakimian today.  I let him know that I've been bleeding more than normal (bleeding thru clothes etc) as this is my second menstrual cycle for the month.  This is not normal for me. He wasn't too concerned as my body is still adjusting to all these new meds, but he did say if it continues to contact my normal OBGYN.  I also met with a Nutritionist today, Beth Eckert.  Lots of great information about changing diet a bit.  By the time treatment was over, I did NOT feel good.  I felt so bloated.  My face, my hands, my feet, my stomach - UGH!  Honestly, I felt like crap!  WTH?  This was a first!  I want my first 3 weeks back when I was feeling great - what just happened?  Needlesstosay, it was a long night, not much sleep! The heartburn has also kicked in and so have the headaches.  Luckily, the next day, I felt much better.  I think it's safe to say, this is the start of the side effects!  In additional to all of that fun stuff, on Sunday, my hair started to fall out.  As I was washing my hair in the shower, My HAIR ..... it started to fall out!  NOOOOOOOO!!!  It was just like everyone said it would happen, in chunks, long chunks!  I honestly hadn't thought about the hair part that much.  I didn't think it would bother me.  I was soooo wrong.  It just threw me back to the day I was diagnosed.  Another slap in the face of this horrible thing called Cancer.  Why?  Isn't having cancer, not to mention all the meds and procedures you have to go thru and the emotional roller coaster bad enough?  Why does it have to take away your outward physical appearance?  I cried as I tried to handle my dropping hair.  It was just awful.... awful, awful and oh so heart breaking!

Week 5 Chemo Feb 4, 2016 - Oh how things have changed in a week!  Besides my hair starting to fall out, I was still bleeding like a faucet and feeling really emotionally down.  Today was going to be the basic "Pre-Chemo meds and Taxol".  My bestie Andrea came with me and we had our laughs and designed the "Team Alton" shirts together.   Treatment was uneventful - exactly how I like it!  I also had the Transvaginal Ultrasound scheduled for today.  Also, uneventful.  Just have to wait for results.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I have a good week!  On Friday morning, I got a call from my OBGYN, Dr. Karen Maynard.  My results from the Transvaginal Ultrasound reflected a 5cm cyst on my right ovary.  Seriously?  WTH?  Because of being BRAC1 positive, I am also more prone to develop ovarian cancer, hence why we did the ultrasound, more preventative.  A 5 cm cyst?  UGH, I can't get a break here!  She was concerned, but not enough to want to jump into any action.  She wants to give it another month & menstrual cycle and see if it dissolves itself.  95% of cysts dissolve on their own.  She did not feel it had a cancerous appearance to it.  So, we wait and I go back for another look in March.


All was good and then Sunday happened.  Felt really tired, so I jumped in the shower to wake up a bit and OH MY GOD.... my hair AGAIN!  Only this time is was WORSE!  I couldn't even get my hands thru it.  The texture just completely changed!  I think I poured a half bottle of conditioner on my head and nothing!  My hair turned into dreadlocks!  It took me an hour to try to brush thru it and when I finally did, I had filled 3 zip lock bags of hair!  I cried so much, I even popped a blood vessel in my eye - coz, ya know, why not look even worse than I already do and feel!  Since last week's hair episode, I read so much about the hair loss, researched, bought scarves, ordered my wigs - I'm ready!  But.... nothing and no one can prepare you for the reality of it happening.  I know it's just hair and I know it will eventually grow back, but it's MY hair.  Its been my long, thick, beautiful hair for so long.  It's part of who I am, my look, my image, my personality.  I look in the mirror and try to picture myself without hair and I just can't see it.   If you look at me, you wouldn't know I've lost so much hair because I still have hair, but I've lost 3/4 of my hair.  My head and scalp hurts so bad, my hair just falls everywhere, I shed constantly.  It's truly a horrible thing.  I have to get a grasp of my feelings that is or else I'm going to lose it! 


As the week progressed, by Tuesday 2/9/16 into Wednesday, I couldn't hold anything down.  Not throwing up - but the other direction.  UGH gross!  It was the first time I didn't go into work, which really got to me!.  I just couldn't, by Wednesday I was so weak and I needed to be by a bathroom.  I called the doctor's office and they said to stay hydrated, drink clear fluids, do the BRAT diet.  I did get dehydrated, but kept pumping in fluids.  Eventually by Wednesday night I was able to feel slightly normal again.  I was hoping that nothing would interfere with treatment tomorrow.  If my blood counts were too low due to not having been able to hold any food down the past 2 days, they might suggest to skip a week - I do not want to skip any treatment!  Let's keep this moving ahead!  Week 5 - was NOT a good week physically or emotionally! 

Week 6 Chemo Feb 11, 2016 - We are at the half way point of this part of treatment!!!!!  Wow, hard to believe that I've been getting Chemo for 6 weeks!  It's amazing how time and life go on, yet time can also seem like it's standing still.  Due to the events leading into this week, I dropped 4 pounds since I couldn't hold anything down.  I was a bit nervous about not being able to have my treatment because of how weak I felt, but Dr. Browne checked me out, my blood counts were ok, so thank God - I was able to do it!  She also felt the tumor and stated that she felt is has gotten smaller!  That's the BEST news yet!  In regards to the cyst on my right ovary, she's concerned because of being BRCA1 positive, but we are moving along as my OBGYN will intervene with that in March when we do another Transvaginal Ultrasound to see what it looks like at that point and then re-evaluate.  As for today's treatment, it was the basics, "Pre-Chemo meds and Taxol".  Let's hope that whatever went thru my system last week was not because of the Taxol.  The only way we'll know is after getting it again this week and seeing if I end up having the same issues.  Fingers crossed that it was either something I ate or a stomach bug that went thru me.  My dear friend Shelly came with me today!  We caught up on so many things, laughed and teared up a bit too.  Ahhh, girlfriends, nothing like them in the world! 

Chemo (Round 1 - Weeks 1-3 of 12)

I am well on my way with treatments.
Week 1 Chemo Jan 7, 2016 - I was scared to death of what the day would be like and Scott was with me the whole time!  It started out with lab work, blood tests for another baseline and meeting with Dr. Browne.  My echo cardiogram results came back with perfect heart function which was great news!  Finally something good!  The rash I had developed from the vancomycin antibiotic I was given during the chest port surgery got a little worse, it spread all over my body and it was super itchy - UGH. 
This First Day of each Round of Chemo will include the following:

-Lidocaine Crème - this is put on around the Port-A-Cath to numb the area

-Salin (Fluids) - to keep you hydrated

-Dexamethasone (Steroid) - an anit-nausea medication to help prevent nausea

-Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) - helps prevent & reverse nausea but can make you lethargic

-Ondansetron (Zofran) - another anti nausea medication

-Ranitidine (Zantac) - helps prevent heartburn

Then the good stuff....

-Pertuzumab (Perjeta) - is an anti cancer chemotherapy drug for patients with HER2+ breast cancer.  It is considered targeted therapy that in addition to traditional chemotheraphy, helps directly block the HER2+ protein

-Trastuzumab (Herceptin) -  is a monoclonal antibody used for patients with HER2+ breast cancer.  It is also considered targeted therapy that in addition to traditional chemotheraphy, helps directly block the HER2+ protein to prevent cells from multiplying, preventing further cancer growth & slowing cancer progression 

-Paclitaxel (Taxol) - is an anti cancer chemotherapy drug used to treat many types of cancer.  It is designed to kill cancer cells that are rapidly dividing.

They warned me about all the side effects and recommended that the first thing the following morning to take:

-Tylenol - to prevent a massive headache

-Prochlorperazine (Compazine) - to prevent nausea

I have to say, I was lucky - I didn't get the massive headache, nausea or fatigue - so in my book, it was an excellent 1st week of chemo! I went to work the next day, no problem, cleaned, ran my girls around, Scott did a lot more of the cooking - he's a amazing cook, thank goodness - YUM!  I can only pray that ALL my treatments go like this and that they are working and doing their job killing the bad cancer cells!  I may be dating myself here - but remember the video game Pac-Man?  I just envisioned that little guy moving internally all over my body eating up those bad cancer cells!  Eat um up baby!

Week 2 Chemo Jan 14, 2016 - I felt a bit more relaxed going into this treatment as I knew what to expect from the previous week.  My wonderful girlfriend Andrea Merenda came with me and we had a few good laughs, she's going to be my girly chemo buddy.  It stated out with meeting with Dr. Browne to see where I'm at.  I let her know that I had some burning during urination, my skin felt drier than normal and when I blew my nose, there was a light bloody mucus that wasn't there before.  My doctor had me do a urine test to make sure there is no infection - results came back clear - whew!  As for the dry skin and light blood when blowing my nose, these are all normal effects of the chemo.  So, lots more moisturizer and Vaseline up my nose for softness.  Ahh, the lovely things we do to feel normal.  This week of chemo included Fluids, Steroids, Benadryl then the chemo drug, Taxol. The Benadryl dose didn't sit well with me this time, it made me very edgy. I couldn't sit, my legs were anxious and I just wanted to kick something. The best way to describe it was I felt like a caged animal and I just wanted to rip everything plugged into me right off and run out of there! Apparently, Benadryl can do that and causes some anxiety.  So, for next time, they will decrease the Benadryl dosage. Relatively speaking though, I still feel good.  Went to work, ran the girls around like normal, went food shopping, put away all the holiday decorations etc.  I did feel a bit tired on Sunday, so I took a short nap.  I'll take feeling good for as long as I can! Here's my note from my daughter for this week and my nurse Leslie - she's the best!

 

 

Week 3 Chemo Jan 21, 2016 - today completes Round 1.  I went to work in the morning, got a bunch of stuff done and then off I went!  I was anxiously waiting to meet with Dr. Browne because I had started feeling some pain under my arm pit area which made me nervous.  My fear was that it could be spreading even though I'm getting treatment - it happens.  She was actually not concerned as she stated that it can mean that the chemo is attacking the cells and breaking them down.  She did another exam and she stated that she didn't feel anything under the arm pit area and that the tumor didn't feel any bigger.  I felt a huge sense of relieve!  Off to treatment I went.  This week of chemo included Fluids, Steroids, Benadryl then the chemo drug, Taxol. My Benadryl dose was half of the previous 2 times and it was much better!  I didn't feel like that caged animal like last time - whew!  My wonderful girlfriend Patti Benjamin who also works at the hospital came to stay with me for a while.  She's also the co-leader of our Girl Scout troop and she's very crafty!  She handmade me this gorgeous scarf with just the right amount of sparkle - she's knows me too well.  It was so thoughtful!  Made me realize I need to re-learn how to knit!   I did feel sleepy during this treatment and even dozed off for a bit.  But again, relatively speaking, still feeling strong.  I'll take it!  Here's my note from my daughters for this week:

THANK YOU - Overwhelmed, Humbled & Blessed

I'm beyond overwhelmed & humbled by so many people who have reached out to me.  All from many different walks of life & paths that has brought us into each other's lives thru the years. From the bottom of my heart.. Thank You. I'm still trying to find acceptance in the fact that I have breast cancer - it's still so fresh and talking about it is still hard - although I'm getting better. I promised my daughters I would be open about everything (within reason of course), so, I'm trying.

All the thoughts, prayers and words of wisdom have been so meaningful to me.  I've read every word, responded to every email, text, call.  I appreciate it ALL!  I have been taken back by it all!  I live in a wonderful town and the support our friends, our daughters friends, neighbors and everyone in general both near and far from our family, family overseas, to my church St. Philips Greek Orthodox Church, to my pageant friends, ZTA sorority sisters, AJWC, Girls Scouts, my work (Fidelity) and Scott's work has shown me and my family has been beyond overwhelming, generous and most of all sooo thoughtful.... I honestly couldn't have imagined it - I'm so humbled and feel truly blessed to have that support.  I've heard from so many women that have gone thru this journey, we've talked about their journey's, they've shared the ups and downs and lots of tips from one extreme to another - thank you for those!  The best part of their stories are that they are still hear and able to talk about it and doing well - that gives me HOPE beyond anything! 

What I found interesting is, how many women reached out and told me they were scheduling their mammograms.  I never imagined my story would lead to that, but I think that's fantastic!  If someone can learn from my story, what more can I ask for?  Check yourself, be proactive and take charge of your health!  As my daughter put it jokingly "Don't be a Boob, Save yours Instead" - LOL.  But seriously, I found my 5cm tumor, I knew my body and it didn't feel like any other lump I've ever had, in my gut I knew something wasn't right.  Trust your gut, if something doesn't feel right, get checked, PLEASE!  The reality is this can happen to anyone of us.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring, for reaching out, for simply acknowledging and being there, even when I don't want to talk or I look like I'm about to cry and lose it - THANK YOU...