6/23/16 - Chemo (Round 4 of 4) - Last Chemo

6/23/16 Last Day of Chemo which I hope and pray will be FOREVER! 
I have been dreaming about this day, yet dreading it all at the same time! When I was diagnosed back on 12/16/15 and I asked for real honesty of what was to come, my surgeon said, "this year will be the hardest year of your life and if you're looking for the "real" of it, it will suck".  She hasn't been wrong yet!  I started my treatment with chemo on 1/7/16, went thru surgery on 4/21/16 and ended chemo on 6/23/16 and this is only the HALFWAY point! 
The physical, mental and emotional changes that have taken place during this time are more than I ever, in my wildest dreams imagined and harder than anyone could have ever prepared me for.  It's amazing what the human body and spirit can endure when pushed to it's limits. I've cried more than I ever imagined possible.  I still cry at the slightest emotional thing.  I always considered myself a strong person, but I found strength I never knew I had, deep strength.  I have always been a long term planner, I've had to learn to let go of that mindset.  I found it causes me too much stress.   What I've learned is that the best laid out plan doesn't mean anything if you're not around to see it thru because life happens during a long period of time and so much can change.  Instead, I now plan in stages, plan A, plan B and plan C.  Makes life less stressful and the plan or goal more attainable in shorter periods of time and if you have to adjust your plan, it's not the end of the world.  This seems to be working much better for me.  I've always been a grateful person, but finding gratitude in the everyday aspects of daily life has been eye opening, life changing really.  We live in a scary world at times, but I have seen and been the recipient of so much genuine love and kindness from people from one extreme to another.  Talk about gratitude. I have no words to express my gratitude for the kindness, love and support my family and I have been shown.  As a religious person, I have found myself questioning  God. My faith has been tested and continues to be at times with the "why" and the "how do I go on" thoughts knowing that I have a 15% recurrence prognosis.  A friend said to me,  "No one is born with an expiration date tattooed on them. When God calls you, you will go.... until then, know that you are alive and you will live till you die. Don't let cancer take over what you fought so hard to have, your life!  Live life to the fullest now.. live in gratitude.. live in giving back.. live in showing how to live after adversity.. have a good life.. enjoy your children, family and friends... be aware of the spiritual life that you are also living.. we are more than our bodies.. we have a soul.. there is so much to do with our life and don't waste it on what ifs".
We have TODAY and NOW

 With Scott

With my beautiful girls - bald and all!

My End of Chemo Send Off

These ladies are angels!

With the amazing nursing staff at the Cancer Center who took care of me all these months.

Chemo (Round 3 of 4)

6/9/16 Chemo Round 3.  Can I say how much a DREAD going for this A/C chemo?  I know it' supposed to help me, but the side effects are just the worst!  Here we go again, putting on my happy chemo face which is really my I want to vomit face and run so far away from this nightmare face.... But here we go, deep breaths, Round 3 bring it on baby!  Kill the living shit out of these bad cancer cells and lets move on! 

Had long talk with Dr. Browne about how I'm feeling.  On and off nausea, arms & legs are sore to the touch, period came back again, belly feels bloated & tight, can't sleep all that good - up at 2am every night etc.  Basically, I have to just deal with the effects, take the meds, drink lots of fluids, etc.  Came back next day for Neulasta - UGH - I hate this!  Not the best round, but keeping my bald head up as best as I can!

I also mentioned that I feel lumps on both "new boobs".  She was concerned with that part, she's happy that I'm starting to examine myself though to figure out what is normal for me.  She did suggest I make an apt with my plastic surgeon to be sure all is ok as I complained about swelling on the sides.  I met with Dr. Ehrlichman on 6/22/16 and he was wonderful.  We talked about all my concerns, he did exam on my and said I'm healing perfectly.  He loves the way they new boobs look - I need to go see him more often - excellent ego boost - LOL!!!

And the Head gets Shaved

They say there is a time and place for everything.  Today 6/5/16, right before the Miss USA pageant was about to start, I said to my husband, "Its time" and he knew what that meant.  I've somehow managed to have hair longer than all my doctors combined thought I'd have hair.  However, it had gotten to a point that it needed to go, there just wasn't enough to try to keep it.  I took a deep breath and Scott started to shave it.  Certainly not what he ever imagined doing for his wife.  In sickness and in health is what our vows say right?  Here it was, living proof of it. 

the deed was done and my hair was gone.  In some strange way, it was liberating.  As I watched the pageant, one of the questions they asked was to define "Confidently Beautiful".  Ironic right?  Well, I could right a 10 page dissertation on that subject, but for now, I'm not saying I feel confident or beautiful on the outside by any means, actually quite the opposite.  Being confidently beautiful goes beyond the outward appearance of a person.  It's a state of being, a presence, an awareness within, it radiates strength with humbleness.  By no means do I feel beautiful in any way, but yet, as a woman and a mother, this is a teaching moment for my girls. Mom can do this and feel ok about it.  Sometimes, life will throw you curve balls you never imagined coming your way and those curve balls can change everything you've ever known.  It's in those moments that you realize what you are made of.  So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back up regardless of how hard it is.  And no matter how you feel on the inside, you get up, dress up, show up and never give up!  That's what confidently beautiful means to me at this particular point in time.  If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is as short and sweet as I can define it...... scary looking I know, but it is what it is.  Here's to baldness!

Chemo (Round 2 of 4)

5/26/16 Chemo Round 2.  To say that I was dreading today would be a major understatement!  I'm so NOT looking forward to going back for more.  I just started to feel like a human being again and BAM.... I have to go back for round 2.  It' so unfair and I have to think or at least I hope that in the future for other cancer patients that research and technology finds a better way. 


Met with Dr. Browne, all looked good, my blood work was ok to go for round 2.  We talked about how I felt and I told her "I don't think I can go thru that again, what can we do for round 2 to be better"?  She changed some of my meds for nausea and when I come back for the Neulasta shot tomorrow, I'll be getting some extra fluids.  Let's hope this is a better round.  Here we go!

I followed the anti nausea meds to a T.  I have to say, this was a much better round.  I didn't feel great - but I didn't feel anywhere near the way I did in round 1 - thank GOD!  Still felt tired, a little bit of nausea, joint pain, swelling, but it was way more tolerable.  The Neuslast isn't fun by any means - lots of pain with it.  I realized my taste buds are completely out of wack.  Nothing tastes like it used to.  On a different note, I've been trying to work the arm exercises in a lot and I'm still not great, but I did manage to get my shirt over my head all by myself!!!  I know...... sounds silly, but you have no idea how BIG that is!   Baby steps to doing the things we take for granted.  I can even raise my arms shoulder height now.  WHAHOOO!  I still can't give hugs like a normal person, so air hugs it is still.  But I'll take the smallest of steps forward.  It's the simple things! 

5/12/16 Phase 3 - Re-Start of Chemo (Round 1 of 4)

With only 3 weeks out of surgery, TODAY 5/12/16, we re-start chemo.  Only this time, it's a different type of chemo, the unforgiving type. I met with Dr. Browne first to make sure I'm ready to start.  She evaluated me & my chest to make sure I was healing ok and to ensure I'm ready to move forward with chemo.  All my blood work came back ready to go, so she said I looked good and I'm cleared to start. 
We also reviewed my pathology report.  This is when it all went downhill.  She discussed how my "after surgery" pathology reflected that the remaining tumor they took our was HER2-.  Before surgery it was HER2+.  She said she would have liked the results to come back reflecting it was still HER2+, but it wasn't the case.  This changed my prognosis to a 15 % recurrence rate even after we go all thru treatment and surgery.  She said they are still going to treat me as if I was HER2+ even though my tumor is what they call "heterogeneous".  I was balling like a baby - I just couldn't hold it together.  How is that possible when everything has been taken out?  She said, "we are treating you with aggressive treatment and doing everything we can to give you the best chance of survival, but even with that, we can't change biology". She told me to not focus on the 15% recurrence rate, but rather, to focus on the 85% chance it won't.  I'm devastated! We talked for a while and I was so angry!  After all the shit I'm doing and putting my body thru, a 15% chance of recurrence?  I don't get it?  How can that be?  I just want to screams so loud!  I was a complete mess.  She gave me a big hug, asked if I wanted to hold off on chemo for today, I said NO, let's do it - I want this to be over!  Off I went to start chemo with tears streaming down my face.  My regular nurse Leslie was there, thank God for her on this day!  She was incredible with keeping me sane.  Of course, this was the one day I told Scott not to come wit me, so I was by myself falling apart.  Nurse Leslie was really concerned about me and she wanted me to wait on chemo - but I didn't want to - for what?  Waiting wasn't going to change the 15%.  With tears coming down my face and feeling just completely defeated, we begin this phase of chemo.  I'll be getting the following:
-Fluids
-Dexamethasone - it's a steroid that helps with nausea
-Emend - helps with nausea
-Aloxi - helps with nausea
-Adriamycin - what they the call the "Red Devil" of chemo - many side effects - too many to name. they have to hand push this chemo in (see below).
-Cytoxan - more chemo - same as above with side effects.

I have to come back tomorrow to get a shot called Neulasta.  This is to prevent my white blood cells from completely dropping.  But it has it's own side effects like muscle and joint pain.  I can vouch and say that I give it a new name "Nasty-Lasta"!!!


I also come back tomorrow to have my 3rd Post Op Appt with Dr. Coopey and Dr. Erhichman.  They both evaluated me, said my chest looked great!  Dr. Erhichman said the new boobs looked fantastic and they were healing well.  I was cleared for light exercise too. 


By the time I got home, I felt like HELL!  Nauseous, lethargic, my chest hurt, my legs hurt, my feet were swelled to the point that I could barely walk and I began the vomiting.  I got all the side effects all at once!  It was excruciating.  I thought I was going to pop all the stitches out of my boobs.  I couldn't handle the smell of food either.  Then out of nowhere I also get my period.  WTH?   That's not supposed to happen while on chemo.  This continued for 5 days.  I took all the meds they told me to take to help with the side effects, but they did NOTHING!!!!!   I honestly felt like I was being tortured, less the physical beating.  I have NEVER felt anything like this EVER in my life.  I can honestly understand why people give up, it's all too much, just too much!  I stopped taking everything they told me to take and started on Zofran (another anti nausea med).  By day 7, I started to feel slightly human.  I hadn't eaten anything other than crackers, chicken broth and watermelon this whole time - those were the only things I could stomach and use for fluids at the same time.  As the following days went by, I started to feel a bit better each day, but never quite normal.  I'm not sure if there is going to ever be a normal again.  It was during this time that I found myself spiraling downhill both physically and emotionally.  How much can a person take all at once?  I had nothing left.  My poor husband and girls.  He was doing everything he could to help me and my girls were becoming the mother figure to me and each other as I was not capable of anything.  My heart would just break each time I got sick or couldn't walk or put 2 words together or finish a sentence or thought. How did I get here and when was it going to be over?  This has been the worst 2 weeks of my life hands down.  I don't know how I'm going to get thru these next 3 rounds if it's going to be like this.  I don't know if I can do it. 
As I was feeling pretty low, my coworker Mel stopped by one morning to bring me this.  I signed poster from many of my co-workers with inspirational quotes and personal notes.  I have no words how much this meant, especially at this particular point in time.  I'm speechless and beyond grateful.  it gave me strength I didn't have.

Waking up from Surgery, Post Op & Recovery

We left for the hospital on 4/21/16 at 6am and I was checked in, prepped for surgery and ready to go by 8:05am.  The scariest part was the anesthesiologist coming in to have me basically sign my life away, just in case!!  they should really do this part BEFORE surgery day - alot to take in honestly!  My breast surgeon, Dr. Coopey and plastic surgeon, Dr. Ehrichman came in to talk me thru the process one last time, coz ya know, I like all the major details just one last time right before I go into surgery - LOL, what was I thinking?  I told them, "let's get this right once ok Docs".  Scott kissed me and that's all I remember!

I woke up in a private room with Scott sitting there waiting for me to wake up.  I opened my eyes and looked around, I wasn't sure where I was.  I looked at him and said, "when are we going to start surgery"?  He started laughing and said "you're done Irene, you came out of surgery hours ago, it was over at 2:45pm, you came out of recovery into the private room at 5pm and both doctors said it went really well, they got everything out".  It was like it never happened, I remembered nothing!  Still trying to get my barrings, I looked down at my chest.  I'm so used to being able to see my DD boobs when I lay down. As I looked down, I saw nothing.  I asked Scott, "did they do the reconstruction because I can't feel or see anything there, plus I can't move my arms to feel"?   He then went on to tell me how Dr. Ehrichman came out to talk to him very proudly letting him know that he gave me the perfect C's!   LOL, Scott was like, hey that's my wife you're talking about!  Dr's sure get very happy about their work!  I started to laugh, but it hurt so much!  I realized I was still plugged into so many machines monitoring me, had 4 drains in me (2 on each side) and at the moment I didn't feel much of anything due to all the pain management drugs.  Thank God for those!  Scott stayed in the hospital with me, while my mom was home with the girls.  I slept pretty much the rest of the day into the morning being woken up to take the pain meds through out the night. 

The next morning, bright and early, 2 of my nurses came in.  They had a mission, they wanted me up out of the bed and walking.  I couldn't even imagine doing that!  But up we went to attempt to walk!  It was hands down, the hardest physical thing I ever had to do!  I couldn't stand!  I started having a major anxiety attack, crying in pain and fear and the reality of what just happened.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I kept saying I can't do it , I can't do and they were masters at this and were so calm and patient with me as they were attempting to hold me up - they were amazing and I felt so helpless.  after about 15 minutes of me spiraling out of control, I got my legs under me and slowly they helped me take my first steps.  Who would have thought walking would have been such an ordeal?  No one prepared for that part!  Next up was getting the catheter out and me trying to go tot the bathroom by myself.  I totally forgot that I needed a catheter.  That was a fantastic feeling getting that pulled out of you - NOT!  Then off we went to the bathroom - OUCH is all I can say about that first pee!  I felt so helpless.  I not used to not being able to do for myself and here I was at the mercy of medical professionals, Scott and family and friends.  I was completely out of my comfort zone. 

Dr. Coopey and Dr. Ehrichman came to check in on me and give me the status.  They were both very happy with the surgery and reconstruction.  Results:  1.9 was the remaining tumor they got out, reflected that it was ER+ & PR+, but they were still waiting on the HER2 part of the pathology report - that takes a little bit longer to get back.  They took out 3 lymph nodes, only one of them was cancerous.  Silicon implants were put in for reconstruction. Margins were clear.  All in all, they were very happy with the outcome so far.

I ate for the first time which was wonderful because I was starving at this point.  When the girls got home from school, Scott came with them and my mom to the hospital.  As they walked in, I could see how scared they were.  They have never seen me in this type of way before.  Mom is the supposed to be strong.  I saw the fear in their eyes as they looked at me laying there.  They asked a lot of questions and we laughed a bit.  Some friends came by to visit as well and it was nice to see people but I felt and looked like I had just gotten run over by a massive truck!

I stayed in the hospital until Saturday afternoon 4/23/16.  I was ready to go home at that point.  Before we left - the Dr's and nurses went all thru everything with me as far as pain management, recovery, movement, changing the drains out etc.  Getting into the car and the ride home was really painful.  I felt every bump and it hurt!  Once we got home, the girls had the couch all set up for me with blankets, pillows for my arms and head - it was very sweet.   I basically slept on the couch, propped up with pillows every night because I couldn't lay down flat in our bed.  The drains were excruciating.  Scott would drain them for me twice a day for the first week - bless this man!  One really wonderful thing was that my neighbors and friends had set up a "Meal Train' for my family for the next 2 weeks.  I can't even begin to say how wonderful it was.  Not having to worry about that was incredible - I'm forever grateful!  So many people sent flowers, cards, so sweet and would make my days brighter for sure!  I realized very quickly how difficult things were going to be to get function back.  I couldn't raise my arms at all, let alone hold anything.  It was scary.  On day 5 of being home, I told Scott I was ready to see myself in the mirror.  I wanted to see what everything looked like.  We walked over to the mirror together, he helped me open everything up and there it was.... ME with all the drains, scars - it was too much, my eyes just filled up with such sadness and disgust.  How did this happen to me? Who is that person in the mirror?  Next thing I knew, I passed out and Scott grabbed me just in time before I hit the floor.  It was awful.  I was hyperventilating, I just couldn't handle it.  I didn't think looking at myself and what has happened to my body would affect me in this way, but it was completely overwhelming. 
By the end of that first week, we went back for my 1st Post Op appointment and 1 drain from each side was taken out.  HOLY CRAP was that painful - I seriously saw stars!!!  Dr. Coopey said all looked good.  A week later we went back for my 2nd Post Op appointment.  The remaining pathology report came back and they found that the 1.9 tumor that was taken out was HER2- which was different than my original diagnosis.  This was a bit different as she said that I have a slightly unique tumor - it's heterogeneous meaning it is both HER2+ & -.  Still treatable and with good prognosis.  My treatment plan would not change going forward as they would still treat me as HER2+.  This explains why the original chemo didn't completely destroy the entire tumor.  I was scared and disappointed, but at the end of the day, there was nothing they or I could have done about what the tumor was made up of - it's biology. so we move forward.  During the visit, the other 2 drains came out - HOLY CRAP again!  Getting those things taken out was soooo painful!  But at least they were out and I could actually put my arms down instead of walking around like a person with really wide arms just sticking out of them to accommodate the drains on the sides of my body.  One major recovery step down - DRAINS ARE OUT and even though I could barely move my arms, it was something to celebrate!  Dr. also gave me the green light on starting arm exercises. 

I felt like now recovery can begin.  I realized very quickly that just because the drains were out and I got the green light to do arm exercises, it really didn't mean all that much.  I still couldn't sleep flat - so continued couch sleeping it was for me - I missed my bed and sleeping next to my husband, but there was no other way!  I tried to do the basic arm exercise, OMG, how pathetic was I, couldn't do it!  I was in tears!  It made me realize how long a road I have to attempt to get back to normal function, mobility and strength.  Patience, not my strongest characteristic, is challenging me again.  Digging deep to find patience with myself and remove the frustration of what I can't do and accepting that it's going to take time and ALOT of patience to get to this "new normal" that I keep being told I will have.  I'm not sure I get it yet?  Needlesstosay, I don't have much of  a choice in the matter at the moment.  I just hope I can do this and be kind to myself along the way. 

After surgery once I came around - needed my sign!

Sophia asked her friends to wear Pink on my surgery day to show support for her mama - WOW!

Evmorfia asked her friends to wear Pink on my surgery day to show support for her mama too!  So touched!