4/21/16 Phase 2 - Surgery #1 Day - Bilateral Masectomy & Reconstruction

Insomnia has hit a new HIGH!  I haven't slept for the past 3 nights.  Too many thoughts and emotions going through my mind.  I said good night to my daughters, hugged and kissed them.  I snuck into their rooms during the night and just watched them sleep, so peaceful, with so much life ahead of them.  Gosh, they are beautiful!  I also laid there next to my husband, watching him sleep as well and thought about the day we met and all the life we have had up to this point.  I think about all the life I hope to have and memories to make as we watch our girls grow and we grow together.  So much future ahead!


Then the reality sets in that, the day is finally here and saying I'm scared is a major understatement!  I've done all I can do to be ready for this day, I'm saying many prayers, putting my life into my doctors hands, kissing my daughters as they go off to school and hugging them as tight as I possibly can.  As I do that - my mind drifts to the worst case scenario and I just have to STOP myself.  Today is NOT the day to think those thoughts!  Scott and I are off to the hospital.  I don't want to write too much other than....  Bilateral Masectomy, Sentinal Node Biopsy and Reconstruction, "Let's Do This Surgery Thing". I let go and leave the rest up to the hands of my surgeons and ultimately up to God.

Getting Ready for Surgery

The day is quickly approaching - the BIG DAY - the day that makes me have such mixed emotions.  SURGERY DAY is scheduled for Thursday, April 21st, 2016. 


I had my final discussions with my breast surgeon, Dr. Coopey and plastic surgeon, Dr. Ehrlichman and we have gone thru the procedures and plan A, B and C in case things don't go as planned.  I like to know ALL my potential options as it is major surgery and a long surgery at that - 8 - 10 hours long - UGH!  To me that seems insane to be under Anesthesia for that long - it scares me ALOT!

My mixed emotions range from one extreme to another.  On the one hand, I'm actually really excited from the perspective of having faith in my surgeons that they WILL get all the cancer out!  However, on the other hand, I'm scared shitless!  Scared that once they open me up, that it will be worse than what we already know and that it has spread to a point that it's not containable or that they can't get it all out or that something goes wrong during surgery and I don't wake up.  I know - I'm thinking about the worst things that can happen, but all those things are a possibility and truly scare me.  I'm trying really hard to stay busy so that I don't let my mind wonder - but it's impossible!  I look at my girls and my husband and think OMG - what if the worst happens?  What then?  I know I can't think that way - but like I said, it's impossible not to.  I try to shift my thinking and stay positive, but the reality of what's to come on Thursday is coming to fruition. 

Beyond the above thoughts, I don't think I can truly grasp that a huge part of my body will be gone.  I can't even fathom what it will feel like to not have my boobs.  They have been good to me during my young and spunky years, making me feel like a sexy woman, giving me a great curvy figure, I've used them to get out of tickets LOL among other things.  Yes, I knew when to use them and when not to LOL!  The biggest, most important thing they have done was provide food and nourishment to my girls.  Breastfeeding was such a gift!  It still amazes me to know that the milk that came from them, helped my girls develop and grow from the moment they were born.  I will forever be grateful for that.  Yet, on the flip side, I'll be glad to see them go as they are trying to now kill me!  Isn't that crazy?  They provide nourishment and life for 2 people and yet, have the exact opposite impact on my own life ?  Crazy!  I also never imagined that I would end up with implants!  WHAT???  For a large breasted woman, I only ever imagined a breast reduction, not implants!  Again, Crazy!  In my scariest and wildest of bad dreams, I never saw this day coming! 

I have been frantic getting all my things in order from wrapping everything up at work since I will be out for a while , to getting everything set at home for Scott and the girls.  I drove down to NJ to get my mom, so she can be here to help as much as she can and that's all I can do.  So, I will end here with scared, yet positive thoughts for a successful bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  I pray that God watches over me during the surgery, I hope that all goes well and that I can take another major step towards fighting this horrible breast cancer that has been trust upon me.  Praying everyday for this.

Something to smile about - Pantene Beautiful Lengths Donation Recieved!

On the same day as I got the not so great MRI results, I came home to a wonderful letter from Pantene Beautiful Lengths confirming that they received my hair donation and that it will be used to make a nice wig for another cancer patient.  At least something good is coming out of my hair loss that will benefit someone else and give them a sense of confidence that hair loss takes away from you because of cancer.  My heart is full.

Follow up MRI - not so great :(

Since my last chemo treatment, I've had to go back for one more targeted treatment of Herceptin.  Pretty straight forward, no issues.

Dr. Browne also examined me and ordered a follow up MRI so we can see what the 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments have done to the tumor. 

On 4/5/16, I went in for the MRI.  I had to take some pre-meds so that I don't have an allergic reaction to the dye like last time.  When I got my results, they weren't so great!  UGH!  Are you kidding me - what a blow!!!  Basically, it's mixed results.  The Good News is that nothing new has appeared.  The Bad News is that not much has changed in relationship to the tumor.  So, 12 weeks of chemo and targeted treatments, ups and downs, body changes, hair loss, a true emotional roller coaster on a daily basis that only me and my family can understand for not much change to this damn tumor.

Needlesstosay, I'm devastated!  Dr. Browne was hoping to see the tumor more or less gone before surgery, but that's not the case with me.  It's still there saying "hello, I'm still here".  At least nothing has changed as far as my treatment plan as of right now, but going into surgery is going to be a bit more complex.   I hope they can get this sucker out and any of it's little friends hiding in the cells of my body, lymph nodes etc!  I was told I have a "Stubborn Tumor'.  Really, come on now!?!  I just want this thing to go away!!!!!