How would this all work? How would this diagnosis change my life and my family's life? Would I be able to handle the treatments? Would I survive the surgeries? What if I don't make it thru? Would I die? If I survive, would I be the same person physically, mentally & emotionally? Would I ultimately get to the point of being considered a cancer survivor and if so, for how long? How would I continue on with my life? The thoughts never stopped and still haven't.
I can tell you, everything DID change and in ways I never imagined they would. When I look back to this past year, I sit back, still is disbelief at times when I think about all that has actually transpired. At times, I have a hard time comprehending all that I've been thru. At times, it doesn't feel real. Did my father really pass away and did I really just go thru cancer treatment that's still ongoing? Then the reality hits me, YES, YES, YES! Irene, this all DID happen! You have been thru hell and back physically, mentally & emotionally, but you are still here alive and able to talk about it.
Physically - I can say, hands downs, there were various parts of my treatment that took me to the deepest, darkest and most unimaginable places. When I look back, I don't know how I got thru some of the physical parts of treatment other than the reality of, "I had to", what other choice was there? I somehow managed to find balance, perspective & strength. On my hardest days, a glimmer of hope would appear when I least expected it from looking outside, seeing the sun rise by my window, to receiving a thoughtful gift or card or opening a "thinking of you" email to seeing my daughters smiling faces and my husband trying to make me laugh. It was the little things that gave me strength and courage to go on when I didn't think I could endure another moment. To say the rollercoaster was intense is an understatement! The physical transformation has been beyond incredible to go thru. When I look back to pictures, I am just absolutely amazed how a person can transform so much in 1 year. The transformation is just absolutely mid blowing to me and hard to process at times as it is still on going.
Mentally & Emotionally - there is no specific program for learning how to cope emotionally or how to heal the internal wounds of the loss of a parent let alone, being diagnosed with cancer. There is no regimen that can be prescribed with a 100% guarantee that taken twice daily, everything will be better. Treatment is a long, circuitous, meandering, pot-holed process. In the last year, my body, mind and spirit were mangled by loss, disease, surgeries and chemicals. Recovery and getting on with life has taken and continues to take time and patience. It cannot be rushed or forced. The more you push, the longer it takes. I thought once all the major surgeries and treatments were completed, I'd be able to go right back to my "what was pre-cancer life". The reality... it's not how it works! Nothing is the same, everything is different. I am FOREVER CHANGED by the loss of my father, breast cancer and all that came with it. I was NOT able to resume life as it was before. I have to "re-build" my strength and overall, my entire life. I constantly have to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep getting on that treadmill of life - it is a real struggle that I didn't foresee. Things may not be exactly how I'd like things to be and I am not where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, but again, what choice is there? Crumble? Hell NO!! I get back up, every day and take another step forward not always with the smile, but I try.
I try to be kind to myself, give myself some slack and accept the fact that I just do things now a little more slowly.... at least for the time being or until I can get my strength and new groove in motion. This new groove HAS to involve exercise, a somewhat vegan diet with many more greens and the elimination of stress and toxic situations, people & environments in not only my life, but in my family's life in general. A lot of reflection has taken place on those ends. Not into drama, never was, never will be.
It's during the different stages of Recovery that I've had the realization that I was now officially a lifetime member of a club that I never applied or ever wanted to join. What I have found in this club however, is that it is a membership of some of the most incredibly brave, strong and inspiring members from all walks of life. Without these beautiful souls who have walked a similar yet different journey, I would not have gotten thru some extremely difficult days. They understood in ways others who haven't walked this path couldn't. It's a sisterhood.
Speaking of getting thru difficult days... I could not have gotten thru any of this with out my husband, who never imagined seeing his wife sick the way I was. He's an angel, really! I cried more than I ever have in his arms, he's been my rock the entire time! My two beautiful girls - took care of each other at times that I couldn't take care of them in addition to turning around and taking care of me. No kid their age should have to do that, but they did and still managed to be in honors, excel in school, sports, the arts and be kind and humble. They are 2 of the strongest kids I know and my wish for them is healthy and peace in their hearts. The many friends, neighbors & co workers that went above and beyond being generous in so many unbelievable ways, I don't have enough words to express our gratitude. My family and I would not have gotten thru the worst of it without you, especially, Shelly K, Andrea M, Patti B, Jen M, my Fidelity Team, Scott's Crabtree & Evelyn Team, Fr. Alex and my amazing Medical Team. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The hardest part of moving forward is the reality of my prognosis. Recurrence is a scary thing and the emotional part of knowing your numbers is tough. We all know that one day we are going to die, but when you have cancer, your mortality is starring you in the face daily. There is a lot of soul searching and acceptance of self that comes with that. As my doctors have said, "Irene, you have had the most advanced treatment out there, medically, we have done everything that can be done. You can help yourself thru diet and exercise, but no one can control the biology of cancer. So, live your life everyday, get stronger, stay positive and forget the numbers".
So, I've decided no more Should Have, Could Have, Would Have! Instead, do all the things you want to do and do them NOW! There is never going to be the "perfect time" to do things, so waiting around for that perfect time is quite frankly, pointless. Do the things you want to do now, cherish your friends & family, be kind to people, pay it forward, do stop and smell the roses that you would normally walk past, don't sweat the small stuff, pray, love, breath, enjoy life everyday and live, LIVE LIFE!
I hope that in some small way my experience and my choice to document / share / communicate my personal journey has been of some help to others and maybe, just a little bit inspirational to some. My experience has taught me many things and I walk away with daily gratitude for life! There is going to be life indeed - a beautiful, gratitude filled life AFTER breast cancer - one day, one step at a time.
