Hair Loss... Donation (Pantene Beautiful Lengths) & Cut

When I was first diagnosed and after I had spoken to many other women who have gone thru this, the single biggest thing that was mentioned time and time again was how devastating the hair loss part was to them on many different levels.  I was so personally overwhelmed with the diagnosis and learning as much and as fast as possible that I could care less about the hair part, after all, it's "just hair" right, it'll grow back!  I also remember, when my dad was fighting his lung cancer battle, the one thing he did not want to do was lose his hair - he was crazed about it.  Here was a 77 year old man - who would have thought it would be such a big thing for him?  It's interesting, in the Greek culture, hair is viewed as "strength".  I think that's how my dad viewed it and without it, he would look weak and no old fashioned Greek man EVER wanted to appear weak. 

I was told by many that with the type of chemo I'm getting, by day 17 of treatment, I'd have no hair.  Day 17 came and I had no hair loss!  I thought I was pretty darn lucky, then day 25 came, after chemo week 4 - that's when it began for me.  When you have thick and I mean thick, long hair and it begins to fall out, it's surreal.  I was upset, but I was in denial.  I was thinking, "I have so much hair, it won't happen to me, how could I possibly lose all this hair"?  The last time I had short hair was pre high school.  I had the good old "Dorothy Hamel" hair style - LOL!  And ever since 9th grade I haven't had short hair - I refused!  I pulled out old pictures to see myself and had some good laughs, my girls thought my 80's hair was Hysterical!  Gosh, Aquanet - I should have bought stock in that company back then - LOL!

When week 5 set in, it just continued to fall out like crazy!  I couldn't believe it!  The texture, the feel of it and overall everything about it had just completely changed!  That day, I stuffed & filled up 3 zip lock bags of hair.  Devastating doesn't remotely come close to describe how I felt.  I kept touching my hair and what normally would feel like a big giant bush of thick hair, felt like dead, brittle something.  I cried so much that night!  So much so, I even popped a blood vessel in my eye.  Not only was I losing my hair, but now I looked like I got punched in the face and had a giant red eye!  I was scary looking to myself!  I didn't recognize this person anymore.  What was happening to me, who was I looking at?  Was this going to be the new me?  Ugh, I just couldn't deal with it!  Honestly I was a mess, snapping at Scott and the girls - I was turning into a royal.... you know what and it had to stop!

So, once I recognized my own insanity, being that I'm all about moving ahead and forward, I made the decision that night to donate what hair I had left while it was still healthy and to move ahead with shaving my head.  It is the only thing I had control over and I wanted to do this MY WAY, not cancer's way and definitely, NOT on cancers time table!  I was taking control back for myself, even if it's the only time I do have control over anything in regards to this cancer hell!    It was really important to me to try to help someone else.  If this head of hair I once had, even though it's not all of it, could be used to help someone else, then I wanted, I needed to do that for someone else.  Why not put a smile on someone else's face with hair that could be used for a nice wig that will make them feel whole again?  I felt it was the right thing to do. My daughter's have donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths in the past and that's where I too will donate.  I love this organization and I hope my hair finds a wonderful place, brightens someones day and as my dad would say "gives them a head (kefali) full of strength (theenami)".

I called my hair dresser, Meredith and she was going to come over and do it for me!  On Monday, 2/15/16 we had a hair date!  Scott and I both had off from work and the girls wanted to be there to be part of it, so we let them stay home for a bit and took them to school late.  My intention was to donate what was left and shave the rest off and just be done with it!  But my hairdresser insisted on leaving an inch.  She felt that I could buy some more time with a short pixie.  I know it won't last long, but I agreed.  So here it is.  I don't feel like myself at all!  I have no idea who this person is?  Scott and the girls like it!  The girls think I look "edgy".  I almost peed myself laughing!  Me "EDGY"... LOL!!!  I have to get used to this, oh Lordy!  Below are the Before and After pics.

Chemo (Round 2 - Weeks 4-6 of 12)

Week 4 Chemo Jan 28, 2016 - I felt pretty good going into week 4 based on the past 3 weeks but I also knew that today was going to be not only my normal "Pre-Chemo meds" but then the "Big Chemo Cocktail" with Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxol which is what I get the first week of each "new round".  I was a bit nervous to see how I would handle it this time.  I've been very lucky so far, I know that.  My hope has been to feel good for as long as possible, my fingers are crossed!  Scott was with me on this long day - I couldn't do this without him!  He's been such a trooper - I'm so grateful and lucky for him - he's the love of my life!


I met with Dr. Hakimian today.  I let him know that I've been bleeding more than normal (bleeding thru clothes etc) as this is my second menstrual cycle for the month.  This is not normal for me. He wasn't too concerned as my body is still adjusting to all these new meds, but he did say if it continues to contact my normal OBGYN.  I also met with a Nutritionist today, Beth Eckert.  Lots of great information about changing diet a bit.  By the time treatment was over, I did NOT feel good.  I felt so bloated.  My face, my hands, my feet, my stomach - UGH!  Honestly, I felt like crap!  WTH?  This was a first!  I want my first 3 weeks back when I was feeling great - what just happened?  Needlesstosay, it was a long night, not much sleep! The heartburn has also kicked in and so have the headaches.  Luckily, the next day, I felt much better.  I think it's safe to say, this is the start of the side effects!  In additional to all of that fun stuff, on Sunday, my hair started to fall out.  As I was washing my hair in the shower, My HAIR ..... it started to fall out!  NOOOOOOOO!!!  It was just like everyone said it would happen, in chunks, long chunks!  I honestly hadn't thought about the hair part that much.  I didn't think it would bother me.  I was soooo wrong.  It just threw me back to the day I was diagnosed.  Another slap in the face of this horrible thing called Cancer.  Why?  Isn't having cancer, not to mention all the meds and procedures you have to go thru and the emotional roller coaster bad enough?  Why does it have to take away your outward physical appearance?  I cried as I tried to handle my dropping hair.  It was just awful.... awful, awful and oh so heart breaking!

Week 5 Chemo Feb 4, 2016 - Oh how things have changed in a week!  Besides my hair starting to fall out, I was still bleeding like a faucet and feeling really emotionally down.  Today was going to be the basic "Pre-Chemo meds and Taxol".  My bestie Andrea came with me and we had our laughs and designed the "Team Alton" shirts together.   Treatment was uneventful - exactly how I like it!  I also had the Transvaginal Ultrasound scheduled for today.  Also, uneventful.  Just have to wait for results.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I have a good week!  On Friday morning, I got a call from my OBGYN, Dr. Karen Maynard.  My results from the Transvaginal Ultrasound reflected a 5cm cyst on my right ovary.  Seriously?  WTH?  Because of being BRAC1 positive, I am also more prone to develop ovarian cancer, hence why we did the ultrasound, more preventative.  A 5 cm cyst?  UGH, I can't get a break here!  She was concerned, but not enough to want to jump into any action.  She wants to give it another month & menstrual cycle and see if it dissolves itself.  95% of cysts dissolve on their own.  She did not feel it had a cancerous appearance to it.  So, we wait and I go back for another look in March.


All was good and then Sunday happened.  Felt really tired, so I jumped in the shower to wake up a bit and OH MY GOD.... my hair AGAIN!  Only this time is was WORSE!  I couldn't even get my hands thru it.  The texture just completely changed!  I think I poured a half bottle of conditioner on my head and nothing!  My hair turned into dreadlocks!  It took me an hour to try to brush thru it and when I finally did, I had filled 3 zip lock bags of hair!  I cried so much, I even popped a blood vessel in my eye - coz, ya know, why not look even worse than I already do and feel!  Since last week's hair episode, I read so much about the hair loss, researched, bought scarves, ordered my wigs - I'm ready!  But.... nothing and no one can prepare you for the reality of it happening.  I know it's just hair and I know it will eventually grow back, but it's MY hair.  Its been my long, thick, beautiful hair for so long.  It's part of who I am, my look, my image, my personality.  I look in the mirror and try to picture myself without hair and I just can't see it.   If you look at me, you wouldn't know I've lost so much hair because I still have hair, but I've lost 3/4 of my hair.  My head and scalp hurts so bad, my hair just falls everywhere, I shed constantly.  It's truly a horrible thing.  I have to get a grasp of my feelings that is or else I'm going to lose it! 


As the week progressed, by Tuesday 2/9/16 into Wednesday, I couldn't hold anything down.  Not throwing up - but the other direction.  UGH gross!  It was the first time I didn't go into work, which really got to me!.  I just couldn't, by Wednesday I was so weak and I needed to be by a bathroom.  I called the doctor's office and they said to stay hydrated, drink clear fluids, do the BRAT diet.  I did get dehydrated, but kept pumping in fluids.  Eventually by Wednesday night I was able to feel slightly normal again.  I was hoping that nothing would interfere with treatment tomorrow.  If my blood counts were too low due to not having been able to hold any food down the past 2 days, they might suggest to skip a week - I do not want to skip any treatment!  Let's keep this moving ahead!  Week 5 - was NOT a good week physically or emotionally! 

Week 6 Chemo Feb 11, 2016 - We are at the half way point of this part of treatment!!!!!  Wow, hard to believe that I've been getting Chemo for 6 weeks!  It's amazing how time and life go on, yet time can also seem like it's standing still.  Due to the events leading into this week, I dropped 4 pounds since I couldn't hold anything down.  I was a bit nervous about not being able to have my treatment because of how weak I felt, but Dr. Browne checked me out, my blood counts were ok, so thank God - I was able to do it!  She also felt the tumor and stated that she felt is has gotten smaller!  That's the BEST news yet!  In regards to the cyst on my right ovary, she's concerned because of being BRCA1 positive, but we are moving along as my OBGYN will intervene with that in March when we do another Transvaginal Ultrasound to see what it looks like at that point and then re-evaluate.  As for today's treatment, it was the basics, "Pre-Chemo meds and Taxol".  Let's hope that whatever went thru my system last week was not because of the Taxol.  The only way we'll know is after getting it again this week and seeing if I end up having the same issues.  Fingers crossed that it was either something I ate or a stomach bug that went thru me.  My dear friend Shelly came with me today!  We caught up on so many things, laughed and teared up a bit too.  Ahhh, girlfriends, nothing like them in the world!