12/16/15 ~ Diagnosed with Breast Cancer

12/16/15... A day that will forever change the course of my life - A day I will NEVER forget.  "I'm sorry to inform you that your Biopsy results came back positive for Breast Cancer". 

Did I hear that right?  Is this really happening?  My heart dropped as I saw my life flash right in front of my eyes.  I have breast cancer at 44 years old.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  Seriously God?  My father just lost his 2 year battle with lung cancer on November 2, 2015 - as if that and worrying about my mom isn't tough enough - barely a month to grieve and now me?  Are you kidding me?  What kind of cruel fucking joke is this?  Sadly, for me and my family, it's no joke, it's real, very real!  I've done all the right things, gone for my mammograms every year for the past 10 years.  The last one in August of 2014 was clear.  But apparently between now and then, it began.  With everything that was going on with my dad this past year, I had missed my August 2015 mammogram.  Ironically, on the day of my dad's funeral, we were driving to the cemetery and my cell phone rang.  It was my obgyn calling to tell me that I missed my annual exam.  What timing right?  I got off the phone, looked at my husband and said, "wouldn't that be a kicker, the one year I miss my normal mammogram, imagine if something was wrong"?  He looked at me and said, "Irene, you never miss appts and they are just doing their job, everything is fine, just make an apt when we get back home".  I couldn't help but wonder, was that call divine intervention?  I don't know?  So, I made my appt and here we are....  The doctors said, mammograms can miss cancer when there is dense breast tissue.  So then why the hell have I been doing them all these years?  After my biopsy & MRI - it's Stage 2B, borderline Stage III, Her2 positive, Estrogen and Progesterone positive (triple positive), tumor size is 3.5 by 5cm, apparently, based on my MRI, there's no signs of abnormal lymph nodes but I do have positive lympathic growth within the breast.  So, I will need to do more testing to see if there is any spreading internally.  I'll have to do an abdominal, chest and bone CT scan.  I hope and pray these results come back negative as this will be a completely different diagnosis if spreading has occurred. I just can't let my mind go there - I can't.

All I could think about was my girls and my husband.  Am I going to die?  Will I see my girls grow up, graduate high school, go to college, graduate, create a life for themselves, be successful, fall in love, get married, have children, go thru their ups and downs with them as their mom?  Will I grow old with my husband?  I don't know... I'm so scared.  I don't get sick, I take care of other people, I'm not supposed to get sick, not like this! I just want to scream...WTF?

I'm angry and I'm pissed! For someone who is a religious person, I find myself questioning my faith.  Why God, Why?  Why now?  Wasn't taking my dad enough?  When my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago - I was relentless doing research online for him - I learned more about lung cancer than I ever thought possible.  But it appears that while he was fighting his lung cancer battle, in the past year, I was developing mine own.  What are the chances of that happening? 

So, here we are.... the words no woman wants to EVER say out loud.. "I have breast cancer".  I'm scared, so very scared.  All that research I did for my dad, I'm struggling to read anything online.  Everytime I find the strength to do research online, I stop as I start to read because it scares me even more.  My mind goes straight to the worst.  Will I die?  Will I be a survivor?  The future is so unclear and I'm so scared.  I haven't slept, barely can eat, my mind just goes on and on, the thoughts don't stop.  There's moments I get angry, then there's moments that I think, "I can do this" and then I fall apart.  I wake up crying pretty much every night around 2:30am for whatever reason and then the thoughts start back up while I have panic attacks about the future. 

The worst part is the unknown.  Next week will be a big week as we go to our first consultation with both the medical oncologist & breast surgeon locally at Southern NH Medical Center via Mass General and then for a second opinion at Dana Faber.  I just want to know where exactly I stand and what are my best options for survival.  The waiting is pure torture for me.  I just want to know... what do I need to do and let's get this started because every second I'm doing nothing is a second off my life.

They say to try to stay positive as it makes a huge difference.  I'm struggling with that.    It's hard keeping positive and putting on a happy face every day.  As we just got thru Christmas, I wondered, was this my last one?  Scared doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.  My feelings are all over the place and I try to keep my thoughts gathered, but my mind is on overtime.  I'm trying hard to stay centered, but honestly, I just fall apart at the most random things at the most random times.

I'm trying to breathe, one breath at a time and praying every second that I can to please, God, don't let me die, at least not yet.  Please, don't let this be how my life story ends.  I have too much to live for, two beautiful girls I need to raise, see grow up and be present in their lives, a husband that I want to grow old with, a new job that I worked my butt off to get with so many possibilities for the future and great people, so many more places I want to see, so much I want to give back, so much more life to live and experience, so much more to do! This can't be it, it just can't be.  I'm still in disbelief and I pray everyday.